"Only You Can Save"

Well...I had one of THOSE moments again today! I felt sorry for myself...and sadly, resentful toward others. I can't seem to really understand why today, of all days, this hit me because I came home to a beautiful crib assembled in our nursery-to-be (hopefully)! I just keep seeing these "i'm pregnant" or "look at my belly" posts! UGH!!! I know it's not anyone's fault that I feel this way, it's just me - I am honestly very very happy for every one of my friends expecting a baby - it's jealousy...just jealousy. I wish someone could understand without thinking that I'm just being mean or selfish! I know I'll get over it and I usually don't even think about it but every now and then I remember that I will never be able to experience finding out I'm pregnant or listening to the heart beat or feeling a kick or knowing what our baby would look like. Then I remind myself that God has chosen us to be parents to a child that needs a home and that we have been blessed with the ability to share our love and support with them. When I see it like that, I can't help but thank God for choosing me!

So I made my New Years resolution and losing weight is NOT on the list - I think it should just be a given. I want to create a closer relationship with Jesus Christ, I want to start doing to regular devotionals with Chase, I want us to be licensed to adopt by the end of January and I want to start running 5Ks. A recent addition to that is to participate in the Tough Mudder(http://www.toughmudder.com/) in November! We'll have to see how that one goes...but Chase is very convinced that he's going to do it!!

Speaking of New Years...my mom had a fabulous NYE party! It was a 70's theme party and everyone looked fantastic and had a great time! Christmas was also pretty great...although it was the first year I can remember that my family was not all in one place! We'll be celebrating Christmas this weekend with Chase's family so we're looking forward to that!


We ALSO have our Adoption Fundraiser garage sale coming up on January 22! It will be in Port Neches at my mom's house so if anyone is in the area, please come by! We will have SO much stuff to sale and it's going toward a wonderful cause!

I'll be back soon, I'm sure, with updates about the garage sale as well as how we are doing in our adoption process!!!!

"The Lion Sleeps Tonight"

Well Heather, you inspired me to post another blog entry (just by asking about it lol)!!! So...I asked for a crib for Christmas! Is that a little presumptuous?? I am so anxious, I just can't stand it! If it were up to me, I would already have that extra room cleaned out and set up as a nursery! Chase is probably surprised it hasn't been converted already! LOL! I sent a picture of the crib I wanted to my mom (hint hint) and then showed her the bedding I liked too...you know...just in case!!!

We had a meeting with Pastor Conn on Thursday (he's one of our adoption referrals). It was so great! He just asked us about our spirituality and what brought us to adoption. It was definitely what we needed. He let us talk...about everything...but mostly about how we feel about our faith and family. I felt so much closer to Chase after that meeting too.

A woman from church is doing foster to adopt and the little boy placed with her in October ended up going back to his bio family. These are the stories that make me nervous. I'm so scared it's going to happen to us. AAAAGGGHHHHH!!!! If I could have my own baby, this would be so much easier. Isn't that the phrase of the day!?!?! I'm trying not to obsess about this whole thing. I'm just going to go with the flow...get all of our licensing finished and then PATIENTLY wait!

So...we have a new addition to our family (no, not another dog)! A new car! I love it - it's a Nissan Murano! My car was finally starting to see the light and more problems than it was worth so I decided to start looking around. It was really quite spontaneous, but a wonderful decision - it was going to happen eventually! I also went shopping for dvd players for the car and ended up getting 2 screens that go on the back of the headrests. I know we usually only have Z in the back, but you never know!!! Honestly, I just like looking for reasons to shop...LOL!!! I also picked up a few more Christmas presents - but I feel like we still have a ton to get!!! :)

Til next time...

"Poker Face"

Well...we are right smack in the middle of our licensing process with Homes 4 Good! We have loved every minute of it and we are learning so much! On the other hand...I'm stressed to the max! I eat, drink and sleep adoption. I think about every possible scenario and it drives me crazy! I think I need to find a support group! I'm a girl of guarantees. I don't like the "what ifs" which really sucks because that seems to be what life is all about. LOL!

Anyway, we are finishing up our classes and all we have left are the inspections and a couple of loose ends! YAY! Once we have everything turned in, we'll schedule our home study! I'm so ready! WOOHOO!!!

We finally made it to one of Ryan's football games! It was sooo cold but it was a fantastic game! We also had a great time hanging out with Annie, Kasey and Zoren!

I want to send a big thank you to everyone who have made a donation to our adoption fund! I have a TON of bracelets left so pass the word around and email me with any questions! dodsonadoption@gmail.com


Wow...this was a really boring post! :) Hopefully I'll have something more interesting to post in the next few weeks!

"Into the Groove"

We decided to give this whole adopting through the state another try. We went to Homes 4 Good last night. It was referred to us by a coworker of mine. We really really liked it! I am still in love with ANLC (and we have all of our paperwork turned in, still waiting on the money, though), but I felt very comfortable with this new place. The guy teaching the orientation was very laid back which made it far more comfortable to ask questions. I also felt comforted that there were several couples who wanted the same thing out of this as we did. I asked about having a preference in age and he said it won't be a problem. We may have to wait longer if we go straight adoption, but it's not out of the question.

He also explained foster to adopt and legal risk ALOT better than the woman at CC. He explained it so well, we are actually considering it. We can still be particular with age and if we are open to sibling groups, it also increases our chances of a quick placement. Legal risk is basically a classification. It means that the parental rights are already or in the process of being relinquished. So ideally, we could do foster to adopt with legal risk children under the age of 2. Wow. That is exciting!

We already finished our application and few of the other forms that need to be completed. We have a class tomorrow specifically for adoption so we can turn some of the forms in then. We still have to go through PRIDE classes, but they are only 3 nights next week in Conroe instead of 2 times a week for 4 weeks ALL over Houston, which is what we would have had to do with CC! We still have one other class to go to and we need to get CPR certified! So much to do, but I feel so much more in control.

Like I said earlier, we are still totally in love with ANLC. Our Plan B (Plan A was going solely through ANLC) is going through Homes 4 Good and continue our fundraising to eventually go through ANLC! That gives us a little time to raise some money while still growing our family!

In other news...my engine light came on the other day and the car people said for $700 they can fix my car. HA! We totally were thinking like $300...um, we were wrong! I'm thinking we can probably bring that estimate to some other shops and see if they can do it a little less expensive! I vote that I get a new car. Chase does not agree! :(

I'm sure I'll be back tomorrow to update our FFF class (the one for adoptive parents)! If you are interested in our fundraising bracelets, email me at dodsonadoption@gmail.com. ALSO...we have a new fan page on Facebook called Operation Baby Dodson - search it and "like" it then pass it on! Thanks!

Goodnight!

FUNDRAISING TIME!

Ok people! The time has come to begin our fundraising adventure! I have "support adoption" bracelets available for a $5 donation! Please email me or text/call if you are interested! They are super cute and for a great cause! We appreciate your help in growing our family!!!

"After All"

Our first step in fundraising was completed today. We opened an Adoption Fund account. We are going to make our own monthly contributions, of course, but I feel so much better about beginning our fundraisers now that I have a secure place to deposit the funds. It's at Wells Fargo under the name Lisa Dodson Adoption Fun - I'll put the information at the end of the post! Chase said he wasn't offended that his name wasn't in the title (since we could only put the primary holders name on it) LOL!!! He's such a team player! :)


So, with our current financing road block, we've decided to ONCE AGAIN look at foster to adopt situations. A girl I work with recommended a local organization in Conroe called Homes 4 Good (homes4good.org). She went through them and loved it! I'm going to give them a call to check on some specifics (age, siblings, etc) before we go because we don't want to waste our time like we did with Catholic Charities. If we were millionaires, this whole process would be so much easier, but it seems that the issue of money keeps creeping up on us!

Well, my mom is coming in town tomorrow and I'm so excited to have a visitor! WOOHOO!!! And after that, every weekend through November and December is PACKED with lots of traveling - Austin, Dallas, Port Neches...so much to do! Maybe all of the events will help to get my mind off of baby stuff!!!!

Here's our adoption account information for anyone interested in helping us grow our family...

Wells Fargo

Lisa Dodson Adoption Fund

Account# 6606421482

Til then.....

"Hokey Pokey"

Ok...WOW!! Today is a much better day - and although I'm not going to edit my last entry, I do apologize for my ranting. I am definitely not the one who needs to be judging others. I was being selfish and mean and I am truly sorry. I've been exploring some other options just in case our plan of going through ANLC does not come to bloom! I don't like to think of myself as an IMPATIENT person, I am an ACTION person! LOL! I can't sit around and twiddle my thumbs...I have to keep researching. I'm still sad, but that's not going to make us a family! I would appreciate you guys sending our website to anyone you know who might be thinking about adoption or if you work in a hospital or school! Our adoption website is http://dodsonadoption.blogspot.com/

I'll keep you guys updated with what I find...

**I just read through some old posts and I cannot believe how much this blog has changed over the past year or so! Thank you to those who continue to read it even though sometimes I just repeat myself over and over and most of the time, I probably don't make a whole lot of sense! :) I'll be sure to edit alot when I turn it into a book! LOL! I love y'all!**

Psalm 34:18

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit"

"Tripping Billies"

If it's not one thing, it's another. I'm ALMOST totally convinced we are just not supposed to have a baby. I can't handle anymore disappointment. I'm so depressed right now...without even thinking about it, my eyes will well up with tears. This afternoon we got the news that we were not able to get the full amount we needed for the adoption. We didn't have a back up plan. I refuse to wait a year or MORE to raise the money (which seems virtually impossible to raise that much money) and I'm just so tired. I'm tired of researching, I'm tired of getting my hopes up, I'm tired of being disappointed, I'm just plain tired. This is the same feeling I had when I found out I had cancer. I can't stop crying. I know it's mostly because I'm feeling sorry for myself.

And I'm mad. I'm so EFFING mad! We work hard for what we have...2 cars, a house, a wonderful family support, 2 really good incomes...yet we can't have a baby. Then there are those kids out there who think it's so cute to get pregnant and they can't even take care of the baby. We have to have a FBI background check, a child abuse registry check, some lady come to our house and interview us, go before a judge and come up with $25,000 to have a baby.

I know I'm better than this, but this is what I'm feeling right now. I'm so upset...so sad...so tired. This is so hard. I'm exhausted. I worry about this all day long. It's all I think about. I try to imagine not being a mother and although I know I'll be ok (WE will be ok), it hurts my heart so much! I will never forsake God and I will always believe that he has a plan for us. I'll never blame Him or turn my back on Him. I will continue to pray and lift my worries to Him and I will continue to ask you guys for prayers as well. I'm just sad. I'll get over it and by the next entry, I may be a whole different person. But for now, I'm sad.

"There's a Tear in my Beer"

SO...I had the pleasure of spending 4 hours with the lovely people of Montgomery County today as I waited to get my drivers license! With that being said, I kept myself busy...and entertained, by jotting down a few things I saw while sitting in the DPS office...

1. Cute little boy with a dinosaur on his shirt

2. More tatoos than I had EVER seen in my entire life!

3. A lady in desperate need of a pedicure...her heels made me hurt

4. A SUPER tiny hispanic baby I would have taken in a heartbeat (no...i will not be stealing a baby)

5. Four people pulling up, looking at the line and leaving...like it will ever be shorter...ever!

6. A woman getting yelled at for sitting on some rocks AKA a monument. The man went so far as to call a cop over to tell her to move

7. Met the sweetest girls at the crime lab (I got my finger prints done while I was waiting)

8. A man with just 3 or 4 teeth...I almost offered my card

9. A 3 engine train with no caboose...highly disappointing

10. Some kid (2 years old) who assumed I could speak spanish

11. A REALLY bad parking job in a handicap spot...they looked just fine to me

12. A girl with GIGANTIC ear hole things...like the kind that stretch your earlobes (have no idea what those are called)

13. A man with an ankle bracelet...and not as a voluntary accessory

14. A woman with a hole in her leggings...in the seam perfectly placed along her backside

and last, but not least

15. A Bluebonnet Cafe t-shirt - SHOUT OUT TO MARBLE FALLS!!!

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Matthew 18:5

"And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me."

"Praise You in this Storm"

I don't really know what to write about today, but obviously "Juno" provoked some kind of urge to write. I'm getting so incredibly antsy but I'm beginning to feel a huge sense of anxiety as well. I'm not worried about the home study or the wait...I'm so scared about the money. I want to be a mommy so bad but I'm so scared it's going to put us in incredible debt. We have been toying around with some fundraising ideas and I know of some grants that can be applied for once our home study is completed and approved. I suppose we would then need to get a loan for the rest. UGH! The upside is that there IS a tax credit up to $12000 which can just go back in to paying off the loan! I'm trying to stay positive, but my goodness, this is all very overwhelming.

We have a phone consultation with Adoption Network Law Center on Monday. I'm making an extensive list of questions as we speak! I have a really good feeling about them because this is the 2nd time I've been told to look into them by 2 different couples who adopted through them. I spoke to an agency in Dallas last week and got a really bad vibe so when I spoke with someone from ANLC and they were so nice and informative, I felt a sense of peace.

If anyone reading this can think of some fundraising ideas, please pass them along. We are already planning a spaghetti dinner/silent auction as soon as we are approved and begin the waiting process. I was also thinking about a gigantic community garage sale and I found a place to design those bracelets (like the Livestrong) that we could sale as well! Oh, so many ideas...I just hope something works out. As one of my coworkers said, if this is what God has intended for us, then nothing can stop it from happening!

Matthew 17:20

"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'move from here to there', and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

"What Do I Know of Holy"

Today was my first day at my new job. I love my title. Office/Marketing Director. It sounds so grown up! :) It was very overwhelming, but I think I'll get the hang of it sooner or later! I'm learning how to use a Mac which is a whole new world! I get off at 4pm Monday - Thursday and 12pm on Friday,

so who am I to complain!!!?

I also spoke with the woman from Catholic Charities. Chase and I have been so prepared to turn in our paperwork on the 13th and now we seem to be looking in a different direction. She basically told me that if we weren't willing to foster or at least up our age limit to 10, we may want to look at a different agency. I was appalled! This is the 2nd time they have rejected us even though we've been pretty open minded so I'm done. I spoke with a woman from Lifetree out of Dallas. They have an A+ rating with the BBB so that makes me feel reassured. Robin, the woman I spoke with, told me to email her with my questions so HOPEFULLY the fees are not SO outrageous. Although now I'm back to exploring options that will cost money, the up side is that we may now have an option to have a newborn. That would be awesome.

So as much as I'm loving my new work schedule, it's funny how quickly my weekends fill up. Kasey (my sister in law) is getting married so I have her bachelorette party and wedding, a "going away" party for me and Melanie with our group of friends from Bed Bath and Beyond, my grandma may be coming to visit and I think Zoren will be having a birthday party sometime at the end of next month. That is just September/October! Whew!

The hosts of Kasey's bridal shower

Oh...I also worked the Cancer Resource Table at church this past Sunday and we spoke with 2 people. I think it's a great ministry and I'm so proud to be part of it. Next week is my first week to work in the children's ministry! Wish me luck! LOL!!!

"Brick House"

I am proud to announce that as of September 4, 2010, I will no longer be in retail!! YIPPEE! I will be working for a periodontist in The Woodlands as the office/marketing director. I'm so excited....and super nervous! I know it will be a great transition for me and my sanity!!! Not to mention, a normal schedule will help a TON when we start the adoption process!

We appreciate your prayers for our adoption journey, by the way! We will be turning in our adoption papers next month, then wait for approval. Once that happens, we attend classes for a month (since we are adopting through CPS), have our home study and background checks completed, then we wait...

I'll keep you updated as we progress!!!

On an unrelated note, my sweet Preston turned 6 years old yesterday! We have been through alot together and I don't know what I'd do without him!!!

Happy Birthday Preston!!!!

"Songs About Rain"

This has been quite a sad week. Not directly for me, but for some of those very close to me. It's a great reminder how important it is that we not lose sight of what is most valuable in our lives...God and family! I never understood how "non believers" can get through life happy. I couldn't imagine not having my God to lift my worries to. I couldn't imagine thinking that I or the universe made the decisions for my life and my destiny. I know that God has a plan for each and every one of us...even for the non believers. As I read somewhere once "even the devil believes in God".

As for my sad week, I had 2 friends lose people close to them on Sunday. My friends Frank and Kristi lost their great friend Rich to brain cancer at 29 years old. I had the privilege of meeting Rich once (March 2010) and he made quite an impression on me and Chase. Even to the point that I was telling people about him because his bravery and fierce belief that God had a plan for him was so amazing to hear from someone so young. I feel so much sadness for his family after only meeting him once because I can only imagine what heartbreak his wife and family must be feeling. My best friend, Melinda, also lost someone on Sunday - her mother in law. I remember hearing that she was diagnosed with a particular cancer (unfortunately, I can't recall) a few months ago and it seemed to consume her body very quickly. Melinda's husband also lost his father a couple of years ago to the same illness. I continue to pray for my friends as they get through these tough times. It's never easy to lose a loved one and there are no words that can comfort them. Only knowing that there is something bigger out there than you and me and that time will heal the pain.

I also want to request prayers for a high school friend who recently underwent a double mastectomy after several rounds of chemo for breast cancer. She will now have radiation treatments...and from what I heard, her surgery showed that her lymph nodes were clear! :)

Cancer sucks...

"SHOUT!!!!"

Not a whole lot to report other than my sister in law is PREGNANT!!! YAY! I'm so excited for her...I'm equally excited that I get to throw her a kick a** baby shower! WOOHOO!!! Also...we are officially one month away from our 2 year anniversary WHICH MEANS we are one month away from being eligible to begin our adoption process! WHOOP!!!!

We also created a blog that is acting as our website for the moment (meaning no regular updates). I've attached to my outgoing emails as an adoption networking tool (as advised by my family)! I'm attaching the link so let me know what you think and pass it around to anyone who may find it interesting!!

http://dodsonadoption.blogspot.com

Well, I could ramble for hours about nothing, but I won't! I'm going to enjoy my day off and you guys have a wonderful weekend!!!!

"Time"

Without access to the internet, other than my phone, my blog has suffered a bit. Last month we decided to start gathering some information on domestic adoptions. I have held Catholic Charities close to my heart for several reasons, so we began there. They were holding an informational on adoption through CPS. The letters "CPS" send several emotions through my body. First, those poor children. Who knows what they have been through and what has delivered them to the hands of the state. Secondly, how do they cope with a new family? More so, how do WE cope with a child coming into a new family? Mostly selfish, I suppose. I've always wanted a newborn and this would definitely not be a newborn.

So we go to this informational because, if nothing else, it won't hurt to gain some insight into the process. We were one of 3 couples in attendance. After 3 hours of information being thrown at us, we got into the car...speechless. I wasn't sure how I felt. I told Chase that I had always wanted a newborn and that I wasn't sure if I was ready to handle a child with an unstable past. Selfish, once again. Then Chase said something that made me realize once again why I love this man so much. He said "don't you believe that God brought us here today for a reason? We want to be parents and they need a family. Who are we to decide how or when that would happen?" That was all I needed. It was so true. We want to have kids and these kids want a family...what a perfect combination. When I got home, I filled out most of the application and we are preparing to turn it in on our anniversary (since we must be married for 2 years before applying).

We are not fostering...only adopting. We can be specific on the number of children (since most are sibling groups) and age range, but not ethnicity. I'm very excited and nervous, but who isn't? Even if I were pregnant, I'd be just as nervous and excited!!

Other than that, I really don't have any other updates in the Dodson household. We had Zoren with us last week which is always fun! We had a great time and hopefully we'll be able to see her again before she starts school (first grade ALREADY)!!!

"Let Go"

I forgot how much I love blogging...it's my way of being chatty when nobody is around! For those of you who are around me a lot, you know how chatty I can be...Chase can vouch for that! I just realized how long it had been since my last post...wow, what has been going on?

I am participating in Relay for Life tonight in Nederland! I'm really excited because it's my first time! I'm also excited because I get to participate in the Survivors Lap at the beginning of the relay. It wasn't until recently that I realized how blessed I am for being in the "survivor" category. We lose loved ones everyday to this horrible disease. A disease that you can rarely do anything about preventing. It just appears one day and turns your whole world upside down. I tell me story to almost everyone...especially women. I firmly believe that if it was not for God's grace and his love for me, I would not have found the cancer when I did. I would have ordinarily never gone to a doctor and requested an endometrial biopsy. I know I've probably written this before, but if I had never met Chase and we had not started talking about having a baby, 10 years from now, I'd be dying of cancer (if not sooner). That was not "by chance" or "lucky"...that was God's working hands. I thank God everyday for my life and even though I've been through the storms, He never leads me to something I can't handle. Even in our current situation with the adoption. I never would have thought the only way for me to have a baby would be through adoption. I was so excited with the idea of going through a pregnancy and seeing what our baby would look like...who he/she would resemble, act like, etc. Even now, 4 months after my surgery, I still grieve over the loss of my ability to have my own, biological baby. Through all of this, though, I know that God has put us in this situation at this time for a purpose. I have been given something much bigger. I'm supposed to save a life and give a baby a loving home that he/she would not have had otherwise. I'm only human, though. Even as I sit here typing how lukcy I am for surviving cancer and how God has blessed me, I have a lump in my throat and tears are rolling down my cheek.

The front of our "A TEAM" shirts

The back of our Relay shirts

Our "inside" campsite

Stefanie with her hair donation!


So my computer decided to shut down on me halfway through my blog, so here I am again...a day later! Last night was Relay and due to the weather, it was moved inside the high school. Over 1000 people in a highschool...walking...all night long. It was a bit crowded. But it was so much fun! We had a really cute campsite and lots of team members! It was a great feeling being there and taking part in it. Stefanie decided to donate 8 inches of her hair and I'm so proud of her...especially for doing it on stage in front of everyone!! I was a little upset that I didn't see any peach ribbons though. Just goes to show me that there is very little to no awareness on uterine cancer. I'll have to see what I can do about that!!! On that note, I'm truly interested in doing speaking engagements to spread awareness, so if you are interested in something like that, let me know!

Until then....Love you all!

"Who Let the Dogs Out"

I sounded soooo pathetic in my last post! I apologize for that! YUCK! I'm trying really hard not to be down on myself!!!

So we joined a gym...finally! I've been twice and I'm hoping it becomes an addiction! I'm trying to find a WW meeting I can attend regularly so I can start shedding some pounds!! I was doing so well before my surgery - 13 pounds in 5 weeks!! If I could lose about 30-35 more that would be great!

I've received some wonderful feeback regarding adoption agencies from families on the Adoption page via Facebook! I love this whole social networking thing!!! What did we do before all this nonsense?? LOL! Seriously though, I'm so grateful for everyone who has offered advice and given me references! I can't wait to start the process!!!

So let me tell you how much I LOVE living in Texas!!! We felt so alone in TN...it was so hard to make it to anything whether it be a birthday party or a wedding or just to visit. It's so nice to be able to leave and be wherever we need to be in about 2-3 hours! Not to mention, we actually know people in the area to hang out with. For example, Saturday I'm going to BMT for a Relay for Life meeting, Sunday I'm hanging out with some old A&M friends, Monday I'm having dinner with a HS friend and next weekend we are going to Austin for Stef's birthday! I love it! Sometime in the next few weeks, I'm trying to make it to Dallas to meet the A-team and see some peeps!!!

As for Chloe, she is growing so fast! Her legs are so long and she is still so cute! Once we get over this potty training thing, life will be grand! She sleeps through the night, though, which is one better than Preston when he was a pup! She gets to meet her extended family this weekend and I'm sure she is excited...you just can't tell! :)

Oh, here are some pics from our weekend with Zoren!!

Well, I need to go see what the pups have gotten into and start some dinner! Talk to you soon!

Chasing Pavements

I've been thinking about our future adoption process a lot lately. Ok...honestly, I've been worrying more than anything. I've always focused my attention on the cost and the wait...what about the initial acceptance??? Oh goodness...that stresses me out.

I know nobody said "life is fair", but I've found myself giving into the 'woe is me' attitude - if only for tonight. I just found out one more of my friends is pregnant, and although I'm very excited for them, I feel sorry for me. I know I'm not supposed to feel this way...or at least not out loud. But it's hard to stay happy about it all the time. I make jokes or I try to make it all sound ok when in reality, it's not. I see my scars every single day. I know I'm not the only one in the world going through this, but sometimes it feels like it. I want to take a pregnancy test. I want to wear maternity clothes. I want to know what my baby would look like. Life shouldn't revolve around our WANTS, and we should be thankful for what we have. I have a great husband and family and I now have my health! Lots of blessings. But I can't help but think how sad it would be for us to never have children of our own. I'm sure if you've read through my blog, you've probably heard me say that before.

So tomorrow I'm off work so I'm going to spend some time looking into some agencies in the area. I figure it won't hurt for us to meet with people and find out what we'll need to do eventually. My cousin called me the other night and we talked about foster to adopt. I never really had any feelings about this...I just assumed I'd do an infant adoption through an agency. I'm getting some info from her and we are more than willing to explore our options!

Speaking of adoptions...we adopted a new puppy. Her name is Chloe and we were TOLD that she was a lab mix but after a little research, we firmly believe she is a German Shepherd mix. She is so freakin' cute! I love having a puppy around and Preston is actually warming up to her a bit! We are guessing she is about 8 or 9 weeks old so we made her birthday December 8, 2009!

Chloe's first day home - LOVING the backyard!

Preston playing with his new baby sister!!!

Viva La Vida

It's February! Thank goodness! The past 2 months have been so...eventful? No...just too much! I'm officially starting my new year in February! I changed my backdrop and I'm going to start adding more pictures and make this a very uplifting blog! Afterall, all of the bad stuff is behind us and we have nothing but wonderful things in our future. We start planning for a baby in the next few months and I could not be more anxious. I think it's because so many of my friends are either pregnant or just had babies so I'm getting very antsy! I'm trying really hard to not get upset or to have a "poor me" attitude. My day will come!!!

My mother in law and my stepdaughter are both coming to stay with us this weekend! Chase and I both managed to get off so we won't have to plan our weekend around our work schedules! There are definite ups and downs to working in retail, and our lack of a weekend is definitely the biggest down! But we manage!!! I'm thinking Kemah could be fun...as long as the rain has stopped and it's not super cold! Otherwise we'll need to think of plan B!

Zoren in her new bedroom! She picked everything out herself! :)

When I Get Where I'm Going

So much has happened in the short few weeks from my last entry. As I mentioned before, my Pawpaw wasn't doing too well at Christmas. He had recently found out he had liver cancer and was actually released from the hospital on Christmas. He seemed to be in very good spirits...eating, laughing, taking pictures...but you could tell he was weak and tired. On New Years Day I went back to Port Neches to visit family. By that time, Pawpaw was in a lot of pain and they had given him Vicodin and Oxycontin to control it. He was surely not himself. I went home the next day after spending as much time as possible with him. I got a phone call early last week at work from Chase. "Lisa! Your mom just called and said that you need to get home. They don't think Pawpaw is going to make it through the night"!! I drove home as fast as I could, waited for Stef to meet me at my house and we all 3 drove to the hospital in Beaumont. We stayed by his side as much as we could. By the pure size of our family, we inadvertently took over most of the 4th floor of St. E's - and made the family room (and later the conference room) our very own home! He had initially gone to the hospital for low blood pressure and later contracted pneumonia. We all talked to him as he struggled to breathe. It was so awful to see our strong, independent Pawpaw like that. We made sure he knew we were there, that we were praying for him and that we loved him so much. My Pawpaw had a unique relationship with his grandchildren. There are 17 of us...and 22 great grandchildren. He made each and every one of us feel special. We loved going to visit him and Mawmaw because they always made time for us. No words can describe how we all feel about our Pawpaw.

Chase had to be at work in the afternoon of Saturday, January 10. We left the hospital about 10:30am and I received a phone call from my dad at 1pm. My Pawpaw had passed away. We were a very lucky family. Most of us had never lost any of our immediate family members. This was the first time any of us had felt the pain of losing a loved one. Even now, I can't believe the next time I go home, he won't be here.

My Pawpaw was not a talkative man. He had his chair he would sit in and watch tv - we always knew where to find him. Even though he didn't put himself in the spot light, we always did. I will never forget saying "hey Pawpaw" and his response, everytime, "hey Mawmaw"! I miss him so much.

His funeral was this past Wednesday and it was beautiful. He had so many friends and family attend and although it was very sad for all of us, I can only imagine what my Mawmaw is feeling. They had spent 63 years together and suddenly he's gone. I pray for her everyday - that God will give her the strength to get through this time and to know that we are always here for her. And I know that Pawpaw is watching over her and we all have the best guardian angel protecting us.

Footloose and "Cancer" Free

It's official, I am cancer free! The pathology reports came back saying it had all been contained in the uterus and nothing had spread to the ovaries or lympnodes yet! That means no further treatment like chemo! YAY! I'm so excited to be a cancer survivor!!

It's also official that we are TEXANS again! We moved on the 20th to The Woodlands and I love being back! I'm still getting used to the area, but I think I'll get the hang of it soon! We live about 10 miles from "town", as Chase likes to call it! It's quiet out here and we can actually see the stars! I-45 is right down the street so when we need something, it's right there! Our house is adorable! We've already got it pretty settled in, although you'd never know by looking at all of the boxes in the garage!

2 views of our Living Room!

Zoren's Room - she picked her comforter and curtains all by herself!

Our dining room - I think it's time to upgrade to a bigger table

My Family Wall - I'm sure it will grow over time!

Once our bedroom gets completed, I'll post some pics of it! :)

I haven't started back to work yet which is both enjoyable and aggravating! I need to get in touch with my Dr. to see if he will release me even though my follow up appointment isn't until the 5th! Crossing my fingers! On the same note, I've applied to Conroe ISD also hoping to hear back regarding some positions I'm interested in! That would be an awesome schedule not only for summer vaca with Zoren, but also for the adoption process! Speaking of that...based on the cost and requirements, I think I'm leaning heavily toward Catholic Charities for adoption. We can't apply until we've been married for 2 years so you better believe that on Sept 13, 2010 we will be putting in our application! :) I'm so anxious to get the whole process started!

Christmas was great this year! I not only got to see my family, but it only took us 2 hours to get there! I'm going to love being so close to everyone! Especially right now because my PawPaw isn't doing very well and being closer makes it easier for me to spend time with him! Be sure to say some prayers for him - he's a fighter and we want him around as long as possible!!!

Well, I'm going to get some sleep and I'll update again soon! If I don't talk to you before then...have a very happy, safe and blessed New Year!!!!

"Jingle Bells"

I had my surgery on Monday. I'm so happy it's over, but I really wish I had done it earlier! Chase was able to be here for my surgery which is wonderful...and which also means I don't have to drive to TX by myself next week! We'll probably leave on Saturday! I hate feeling useless! I'm still a little groggy, but I actually slept ok last night which is a huge improvement from sleeping in a hospital bed where every 2 hours someone was waking me up to take my vitals! My incisions don't really hurt so I'm going to try to lay off the pain meds for now. The dr. did find some scar tissue on my bladder and took care of that so that means I'm at home with a cathetar until Friday! YUCK! It's obnoxious to carry this thing around all day!

Overall, I think everything is going pretty well. I'm not really thinking too much about WHAT happened and what will never happen, which I guess is a good thing. I'd much rather be pissed off about a pee bag than my lack of a baby maker! :) They should have my path report back sometime today or tomorrow to let me know if they got all of the cancer. The dr. said from what he could see, it looks good!! YAY for CANCER FREE!! My sister said she'll make me a shirt that says "Footloose and Cancer Free!"

My main concern is for Chase. He's having to figure out all of the moving stuff all by himself. Like I said, I hate feeling useless! I'll have to plan something special for him once we get settled in Texas. I'm sure by Saturday, I'll feel a little better...at least to take a 12 hour drive in a uhaul!!!! I'll be back in about 3 weeks for a follow up appt and then I'll just start seeing my dr. in Houston for regular check ups!

Anyone who is reading this and is interested in helping, we could probably use some help unloading the truck once we are in Houston since I still won't be able to lift anything! Call me or email me if you can help!

I'll update as I get more info! Thank you so much for all of your thoughts and prayers! It works!

La Isla Bonita

Wow...I've been such a slacker. Usually I pop on to write a bunch of nonsense, but obviously, I haven't really had the patience or time to sit and write. Ok...so I had my appointment with the Dr. to discuss what to expect. They gave me my day before regime (FUN STUFF, let me tell ya) and of course, what to expect after the surgery. They will be making 5 small incisions that should result in minimal pain afterward (the NP said I shouldn't need the pain meds after a day or so). I must be really careful with lifting and stuff like that, but otherwise, not too bad. My mom will get here on the 13th and stay until the 17th. All of this would be fine EXCEPT Chase won't be here for my surgery because.........

We OFFICIALLY got the offer to move back to Texas. I would be REALLY excited, but with the surgery and the holidays coming up, it's really stressin me out! We'll be living near The Woodlands and Chase will be there on Monday to find a house! He'll be back at the end of next week, pack up the uhaul and then drive down again by the 13th...just in time for my mom to get in town! My only concern is that I won't have anyone to ride with me the next week (Christmas week) and I HATE driving by myself...especially for 13 hours! YUCK! But I'll deal with it b/c we finally get to move back to TEXAS!!!!! HEEEEHAW!

I still wanted to have my surgery here b/c it was planned and I can get it over with! I'll have to start my follow ups at MD Anderson so I'm grateful I already have a dr. there!!! OH...so I had some testing done for Lynch Syndrome due to my age and my diagnosis and my tests all came back NEGATIVE!! YAY! Otherwise, I would have been at a higher risk of other cancers including breast and colon! WHEW!!!! I'm truly relieved!!!

Well, I need to keep on packing or else we'll be here forever! I'll update with more info on the house, move, surgery, etc soon!!!

"Livin' on a Prayer"

I set my appointment. Surreal. December 14 I will be cancer free (hopefully)...December 14 I will never be able to carry my own baby. Hmm... Surreal. This is not the end of my life. I still have my family, my husband, my job, my health. I'm so lucky. No, I'm so blessed. God has such wonderful plans for all of us. I have cancer - and that sucks - but it's curable - and that's awesome. All of my worry and concern I have I must give to Him. I'm not supposed to worry if I'm lifting my worries to the Lord! I still get sad, though. I'm human. My mom is going to try to come stay a few days when I have my surgery. The Dr. says I should only be out of work for 2 weeks so I planned it to be right around Christmas since I was already taking time off to travel to Texas. I have decided to have my surgery here - for the sake of time and travel. I have an appointment tomorrow to discuss what to expect and all that jazz. I'm not nervous about the surgery itself...I'm nervous about how I'm going to handle it emotionally. I hope I can keep it under control!

The CMAs are in town! I keep saying how I can't believe we haven't really seen any celebrities (except Taylor Swift at Blockbuster and Keith Urban at Starbucks), but I suppose it helps if we get out a little more!!!! LOL!!! I love downtown Nashville, it's a shame we don't head down there more often! One day I might miss it...might! :)

Ok...I'm going to pop in a movie and get ready for a great day off tomorrow with my Chase! I'll update when I get some info from the Dr. tomorrow!!!!

"Tiny Dancer"

Apparantly MD Anderson had not received my most recent biopsy slide and had based the decision of my surgery on the pathology reports. I got a phone call last Thursday from the dr. saying that they had requested my slides from Tennessee because the final pathology report was not clear as the grade my cancer was after the Megace treatment. It mentioned that it looked higher, but is not able to say which grade. It was assumed a grade 2 since it had originally been 1-2. Yesterday the dr. called me again and said that they had recieved my slides and had their pathologists look at the slides to get a more definite answer. It came back as a grade 3! Much worse than we had expected. Regardless, the only treatment is a hysterectomy. I had already prepared myself for it, so the news was a little shocking, but no more upsetting than the first time I heard that news. Life is funny sometimes...not haha, though!

So we've been talking about houses and babies and it just all got very overwhelming to me. I mentioned it to Chase and he said that he would rather us find a house to rent for now and focus on the "kiddo"!!! I love that decision! I'm still gaining some information, but of course, part of it depends on where we are by the time we are ready to apply for adoption.

This past year has been so crazy, but I think we have handled everything pretty well! God is amazing and he speaks to me everyday! I am anxious to see what He has in his plans for us!

"Tears in Heaven"

Today was my MD Anderson appointment. I didn't expect a miracle, but I had to at least check out my options. First of all...MD Anderson is the best hospital I have ever been to! It's almost IMPOSSIBLE to get lost (and I can usually manage to get lost) and EVERYONE there is so incredibly nice! I loved it! My Dr. was fantastic! He met briefly with me to do an exam and then brought us to the conference room (me, Chase and my mom). He had reviewed my slides and test and whatever and it seems that my most recent biopsy did in fact read Endometrial Cancer, Stage 1, Grade 2! No grade 1 anymore. The megace I was on for 3 months had no affect on the cancer which actually progressed a little bit. I know I had already been told that, but I needed to hear it from someone else.

There is a clinical study being done on women with pre-cancerous and/or Stage 1, Grade 1 cancer where they insert an IUD and test the results - which have all been pretty good (regressing). I no longer have Grade 1. That puts me in a very unfortunate position. At this time, there is no "pill" type of treatment for anything beyond Grade 1. Let me back up real quick and give a little lesson in staging and grading, for those who don't know!

Stage I - confined to the uterine lining
Stage II - moves to the cervix
Stage III - vaginal, cervical and uterine
Stage IV - moves outside the uterus into other organs ie. liver, lungs, etc.

Within any of these stages, the cells will have a grade...

Grade 1 - normal shaped cells compacting together
Grade 2 - the cells are compacted and losing their shape
Grade 3 - the cells have no rhyme or reason; no shape and a bit of a mess

Ok...so I have Stage 1 (which is good), Grade 2 (not so good)! Like I said, they have no "pill" treatment for anything after Grade 1, therefore the only treatment for me is a hysterectomy. I know that's what my first doctor wanted to do, but he didn't tell me WHY!??!! You can't just take out my baby maker and not tell me WHY!!! Now I understand...it SUCKS....but I understand. It's to the point where I need to look out for my well being and my survival. My Dr. was so sympathetic and really understanding. He still seemed a bit thrown by my age (being about 20 years younger than the average End. Cancer patient) and health (pretty darn healthy), but said this is really the only option before it progresses too far.

So I will go home and think it all over. He didn't seem to be in a huge rush, but of course, I need to figure something out soon. I will definitely have my surgery at MD Anderson - I loved that place (as much as you can love a cancer hospital...LOL)!!!

I firmly believe God speaks to us through the obstacles and blessings we encounter in our lives. This is my big obstacle. I'm not supposed to have my own baby - maybe I'm supposed to save the life of a baby who needs loving parents. If anyone has any adoption information or knows of someone for us to talk to, I'd appreciate any information!

Thank you for your prayers. Even though it was not the answer I wanted, I know God listens and he has a fabulous plan for us! After I have a little "feel sorry for myself" time, I'll start preparing myself for our next adventure! I'm so lucky to have my supportive and loving family and my wonderful husband! I love all of you! This story is not over - I'll definitely keep posting as more information comes up! Good night!!!

"Itsy Bitsy Spider"

I giggle a little whenever I see responses to my blog that say I'm brave and what a positive outlook I have. I do, I don't doubt that, but man...you have no idea how hard that is! I hope that I can be, how should I say it...influential, I guess! I just know that there are millions of other horrible things that could be experienced and I'm so blessed to only have this little tiny insignificant disease to deal with!!! Oh I have my days...more than I'd like! I have days where all I want to do is cry. I have days where I think the total worst case scenario could happen. I have days where I try to imagine not ever having children. But I also have days where I see our family growing with kids. I have days where I've imagined helping in the research and cure of endometrial cancer. I have days where I've beat this thing and I get to be a cancer survivor!

7 months into this thing, it's all still very surreal. I tend to focus a lot on the children factor and not so much on the disease itself. I have cancer. That is so strange to me. Mine is not to the point of life threatening, but it's cancer. It's a disease eating at my body. I don't feel anything though. I'm not in pain, I'm not weak and tired, I don't feel ill. I have no symptoms of being sick at all. None. It's so surreal. That's been my word lately. Surreal. An out of body experience. Like this isn't happening to me. Weird. I think that's why I giggle when people comment on my bravery. I'm not entirely brave, I'm just disconnected. And I also know that there is no other way to take this kind of diagnosis than to fight. I have to fight - there is no other option.

My good friend Heidi is flying to Washington DC on November 8 to run in the Gynocological Cancer awareness run! I'm so proud of her and what she is running for! I wish I could be there with her, but with the possibility of flying back and forth to Houston, it just wasn't in the cards! I hope she knows what an impact she is making!!! I would love to find a more localized organiztion that supports gynocological cancer. It covers so many types of cancer that women suffer from. Endometrial cancer is not as rare as we think it is...more and more women are being diagnosed and the awareness is obsolete. I would have never even known it existed until my dr. diagnosed me - especially since it's a cancer that isn't tested for until later in life! I'm very interested in creating, helping with or donating time to any organiztion that may support gynocological cancer so if anyone knows of anything, let me know!!!! Whew..that was a bit of a rant! LOL!

Well, my appointment with Dr. Sood is next Monday at 11:30am at MD Anderson! I'm exctied, nervous and anxious all wrapped into one! I'll definitely be updating after my appointment!!! Til then.....

"2 Legit 2 Quit"

My face is sooo broken out, I've been sick to my stomach on and off for the past 3 weeks, my boobs are sore and I was 2 weeks late (which only lasted 3 days anyway)! The girls at work keep telling me to take a pregnancy test, but I know it can't be! We have sooo many things against us right now, it would truly be a miracle of God if we were pregnant - and it would really save us some money! LOL!!! Maybe I'm having one of those psychological things...where I want to be pregnant so I'm making my body think I am. No....I'm not that obsessive about it...or nuts!! :)

I'm home early from work today and I'll be home early tomorrow too! That would usually be a great thing, but Chase closes tonight and the weather is HORRIBLE!!! We have a tornado watch until 5pm. Tornados scare the crap out of me! We are on the 3rd floor and I can only imagine what would happen if one hit us! EEK! Chase and I will usually truck it to Walmart or Bed Bath and Beyond when we have a watch b/c we figure we would be way safer there than here! :)

Ok...enough wasting time! I'm gonna try to be productive and maybe organize some stuff around the house! OOOO...maybe some remodeling!!! :)

I'm sure I'll have some updates in a couple of weeks!!!

"Blue Suede Shoes"

I finally set up my appointment today with MD Anderson! Rosaline, my patient access person, is awesome! Poor girl - I called her like 3 times to ask questions!!! :) So I'm meeting with Dr. Sood on Monday, October 19 at 11:30am! We will fly in early Sunday and will probably stay in Port Neches and drive to Houston on Monday morning! I believe it is a 2 day evaluation, so we won't be back home until Tuesday night! I'm nervous and excited all wrapped into one! I just don't know what to expect!!! I'm praying that he has some alternatives for me!!!

So I'm trying really hard to get more involved with Gilda's Club, and apparantly I'm really bad at remembering stuff! LOL!!! They have so many great events and I put them on the calendar then totally forget! I'd love to get more involved with the American Cancer Society too...I need to stop talking and just do it! :) I'm very sorry to say that I don't think we'll be able to run the 5k in DC for the Gynocological Cancer Society!!! I really wish we could, but if I'll be flying back and forth to Houston, I just don't think we can :(

I'll update as soon as I figure out more...or just to ramble!! :)

"Kiss the Girl"

I finally spoke with someone from MD Anderson on Thursday! She got all my info and I sent over my insurance stuff and my records! I'm hoping to hear something on Monday regarding an appointment! YAY...I'm excited to finally get the ball rolling!

So today Chase and I were running some errands and as always, I start the most random conversation with him. I remember hearing from so many married people "marriage is overrated" or "once you get married, there's no more sex"! Really? Seriously?? The only thing I get from that is that whoever you are that makes these statements must really not like or appreciate your spouse! I can't imagine getting to the point in our marriage where I just don't care if we see eachother or actually have a married relationship! And yes, we have only been married a year, but what's the point in staying married or ever GETTING married if all you are going to do is take it for granted? I want us to be that cute little 90 year old couple still holding hands! I know that I probably had some far fetched romantinc ideals before I actually got married, but I love being with my husband and I love sharing experiences with him. I don't want that to change! I also understand that once we start a family and life gets a little more hectic, it will be hard to keep up the "on the fly" lifestyle we have now, but I will never take my husband for granted or the life we have together. Before I met Chase, I was at a point in my life where I had accepted the idea that I may never get married and I was ok with that! I have a great family and wonderful group of friends...my life was great! Meeting Chase just put the icing on the cake and I will always remind myself how blessed I am for that!!!!

Well, my rant has come to an end! Now I need to pack and get ready to head to Hotel Preston! I decided we needed to celebrate our anniversary and his birthday (tomorrow) so I got us a room in town and we're meeting some friends downtown later tonight! I love reasons to celebrate!

"Hangin' Tough"

We celebrated our 1 year anniversary yesterday! Unfortunately, I had to be at work that evening for an event I was heading up, but nonetheless...I've had a wonderful year of marriage with the most wonderful man in the world! We actually spent most of the day cleaning the house and then eating a piece of our wedding cake! It was NOT good, to say the least! But we are so excited to have extra room in the freezer now! LOL!! :)

I finally spoke with my oncologists office today and let them know that I am holding off on the surgery until my second opinion. They seemed OK with that! I'm actually very excited to set up my appointment at MD Anderson - I guess I'm just anxious to hear what they have to say and I get to ask all of my questions! Having a hysterectomy is so definite. It means I will absolutely never ever ever have children of my own! Yuck! I can't even fathom that right now!

I want to give a quick CONGRATS to my friend Kristin who just found out that she will be the mother of a little girl AND a little boy in February! YAY!!!! One...I mean two more reasons to move back to Dallas! :)

Someone today said to me that God can't make life easy for everyone. He will throw curve balls at some people to test their faith which makes them appreciate the outcome!

So I've decided to write a book! I've ALWAYS wanted to write a book, but everytime I get started, it starts to fade out!!! I told Chase that I'm going to turn this blog into a book but in order for it to work out, I need a very happy ending! :) LOL!!! So if anyone knows someone who publishes books, let me know and in about a year or so, I may actually have it all done! And ALL OF YOU have to buy it...ok??? LOL!!! (This is my sample cover...hahahaha)!!!

Well, Chase is out of town until Wednesday which means I'm going to put in a chick flick and head to bed with my puppy! Have a good one! Keep on prayin!!!!

"Electric Youth"

I got a phone call yesterday from Dr. Numnum - I was at work, so I didn't answer it! It was a little odd that he personally called me. I haven't called back! Until I have an appointment at MD Anderson, I don't want to really say anything to him! I don't know why...I'm just weird like that! I DID have to call his office again on Tuesday to see why I hadn't recieved my records yet! She's sending them out again so I'm hoping to get them by Saturday so I can get this ball rolling! I feel like I'm being TOO relaxed and laid back about this whole thing! I need to set my appt so I can figure out everything!

So I'm a member of a Facebook group called Women and Men Supporting Endometrial Cancer! I asked the question of is it even possible to get pregnant and carry a baby with endometrail cancer!?!?! FINALLY I got a response! A woman replied saying it can absolutely happen, but I need to be sure and find a OB/GYN who is familiar with these cases so that I can be watched closely! Of course that was the answer I wanted to hear - I'm just not sure how solid it is! It's the #1 question on the top of my "ask the dr." list!!!

So 3 days until Chase and I celebrate our 1 year anniversary! Even if we don't celebrate BIG, I'm just excited to have him in my life! I'm so blessed!!!

"Love of a Lifetime"

2 weeks until our 1 year anniversary! Can you believe it??? I feel like we've been together forever - taken in the very best possible way! I couldn't have asked God for a better man to spend my life with! We were totally meant to find eachother and I love him more and more everyday! Ok...enough mush for today! Have a good one!

"Smells Like Teen Spirit"

I want to have a baby! I say that so casually! I was watching "Private Practice" tonight with all those pregnanat women and I walked into the living room and told Chase that I wanted to have a baby! HAHA! It sounds so funny - for several reasons! First, because I never thought I would say something like that and truly truly mean it! A little over 2 years ago, a baby would have never even crossed my mind! And second, usually when a woman makes that announcement, there is a slight pause; maybe some hesitation, followed by a discussion. Not in this household. Chase's response was "then let's have a baby"! I love him. I love that he is so positive about this whole experience! He went on to say "we'll have a baby, we just don't know how it will happen yet"! Have a mentioned that I love him?! I also love that he is so logical. He needs facts and results - I tend to live off of emotions and "what if" - without him, I would be a total mess...more than I already am! I should probably look into this logic thing! I did mention that I love my husband, right??

On a different note, today was a great day! We both had off work and actually had a chance to sleep in! It was well deserved! We cleaned the house and then went bowling and grocery shoppping! I know it doesn't sound exciting, but it's those little things that I absolutely adore about being married! LOL!! Today was a great day!

"Step by Step"

Up to this point I've had a lot of confidence in my oncologist! He has always been very upfront and honest with me and since he was the expert, I've trusted him! When he called last week to give me the biopsy results, he mentioned that he wanted to see me and Chase as soon as possible. Since then, I've recieved 2 phone calls from his nurse. The first was a voicemail asking me to call back and the second was at work. The nurse said "Dr. Numnum wanted me to touch base with you and see about setting up your surgery"! I was completely taken back! WHAT??? We haven't even gone to meet with him and he wants me to schedule my SURGERY!?!?! I don't think so! I totally understand that he is an oncologist and when there is a 90% cure rate for my cancer, he wants to do what needs to be done to get rid of it! I, on the other hand, have a really hard time believing that a hysterectomy is the ONLY path to take. At 30 years old, that seems REALLY extreme!

With that being said, I've decided to pursue MD Anderson! I have an aunt in contact with a doctor and I had my records released to me today from my current doctor. Now I just have to wait to set an appointment and get my flight! We are trying to make it to where Chase can come with me - at least for this first visit! I need him there not only for support, but also to remember everything that is said b/c when I get overwhelmed, I always forget the important stuff! I'm hopeful, but not expecting a miracle. Unfortunately, I think the blow from the first round of treatment has soured my optimism a bit! I still believe that this is all part of God's plan for me! I trust Him with all of my heart and soul and I know that he would never give me more than I can handle! I know that one way or another Chase and I will have our children together - biological or adopted!

"Somewhere Over the Rainbow"

Today has been a good day! I slept great, watched some tv and now I'm getting ready to start cleaning the house (I'm obviously off work today)!!! Chase's plane gets in around 6pm and I can't wait to see him! I've kept myself from googling anything this morning - it obviously doesn't help! I keep thinking about how blessed I am and that my life will be just as full and wonderful whether we can have our own children or not! I know there is always adoption - there are a lot of babies who need loving homes and I know that Chase and I would be fabulous parents! Anyway, I'm going to keep this short, but just wanted to let you guys know that I'm going to be ok and thank you for thinking about me!!!!

"Bad Day"

So far today has sucked! Yesterday was great - I was busy all day so I had little to no time to even think! I like those days! I woke up early this morning, made coffee, walked Preston, took a shower and (here's where I screwed up) got online! I decided to google endometrial cancer and pregnancy! Every article I found, the women had a hysterectomy! I understand that it's a 90% cure with a hysterectomy, but what about those of us who want a baby!? There HAS to be another way! And then I kept reading articles saying that it is impossible to carry a baby when you have this type of cancer! There were no reasons to support so it is going on my list of questions.

My sucky part of the day (and it's only 9:45am) came when it ALL just hit me. I SERIOUSLY may never be a mother! NEVER! Never ever ever ever!!!! That sucks. I can't even stop crying enough to blow dry my hair!!!!! I'm pathetic, I know! I eventually have to pull it together because I have to be at work by 11am!! :) Maybe if I get it all out today, I'll be fine going forward!! I just really hope I don't become one of those people who can't be happy for my friends and family when they have a baby! I pray I don't become bitter! I don't think I can, to be honest, but it worries me!

I also have to keep in mind, a hysterectomy is not the end of life! I still have my fabulous family and my supportive, beautiful and awesome husband! I'm very blessed to be surrounded by the people in my life and to have the things I have! And there is always adoption! God's plan could possibly be that we are supposed to adopt a beautiful baby and give it a loving home! That thought helps me to really get through this! Ok...I'm done! I need to dry my tears and fix my hair! LOL!!! I apologize for the rant, but that's why I created this blog! :) Thank you again for your prayers and thoughts! I'm truly blessed!

"Ring of Fire"

It was about 2:30 pm today whenever Dr. Numnum called my cell phone - and of course, it was the 5 minutes I was away from it. I called back immediately, alot more nervous than I thought I would be. When he began his sentence with "unfortunately...", I knew there was nothing good afterward. The test results were back and said that it was still cancer at a grade 2 (the first biopsy placed it as a grade 1-2)! He was very upset that the Megace didn't work and said it's not likely to work even if I try it for another 3 months. I'd rather not anyway. He wants to see me and Chase as soon as possible to talk things over and probably try to convince me to have a hysterectomy. My mom's doctor had told her about another treatment at MD Anderson so she is trying to get in touch with him to get the name of the treatment so I can tell my oncologist. I don't want to put my life in danger because of my selfishness to have children, but I also don't want to give in to a hysterectomy when there could be something else out there!

All I want to do at this point is cry. I don't want to start thinking about alternatives or MD Anderson or a hysterectomy. I just want to cry and get this whole frustrating feeling out of my system. It makes me sad. Each day my chance to have my very own child gets slimmer. That's sad and all I want to do is cry! I'll get over it and move on...probably by tomorrow. Well, I have to - real life doesn't stop for sadness. I love that Chase is the rational one. I'm definitely the emotional one. He thinks that we should get his reversal and have kids anyway and then when we are done, have the hysterectomy and get it over with. I love that idea!

I'm not a basket case today, though, so I'm happy about that. I know that sitting around in misery all day feeling sorry for myself won't get me anywhere. But a good cry sure does feel good! :) Like I said, I'll be fine and I'll keep praying because I know God has a bigger and better plan for us! I encourage those of you who are praying for us to continue because this is certainly not over!

Thank you so much to everyone who blew up my phone today LOL!!! I truly appreciate it and I love all of you!

I'll update as soon as we have more information!!!!

"Faith"

SOOOOO today was the day! For the biopsy, that is! It was, to say the least, uncomfortable! But totally worth it WHEN it comes back negative! Everyone was very positive today (the MA, NP and DR) so that made me feel a little more at ease! We talked a bit about the different outcomes. At the least we would like to see some sort of regression - to hyperplasia and at the most we want it to be in remission! He was asking if I wanted him to start setting up referrals for a urologist so that's gotta be a good sign, right? Of course, right now this is all just talk b/c we won't know which direction to go until we find out the results! He said he was able to get a really good sample and is sending it to the lab today. Results probably won't be available until Monday or Tuesday, though!

I will definitely update once we have some real news to share! Until then, pray pray pray!!!

Love you all!

"Time after Time"

My follow up dr. appointment is this Thursday which means my 3 months of treatment are up!! I have my moments when I'm nervous, but I just keep telling myself "it's in remission...it's in remission"! I'm not entirely sure what's happening at this appointment - either an in office biopsy or setting up the biopsy (my preference is to be knocked out...I'd rather not feel a thing)! Any and all last minute prayers are welcome! Once we see how this thing is going, we start visiting vasectomy reversal doctors! YAY! I'll just feel better knowing that all of our obstacles are out of the way so baby Dodson has a chance of becoming a reality!

I'll keep you guys updated as soon as I find something out! The power of prayer!!!!

"6th Avenue Heartache"

So it's been over 2 months since the diagnosis and I have only really cried one time - and that was the day I found out! Right now, as I sit here looking at my friend's and family's pictures of their kids, it hit me. Hard! Like...I can hardly breathe! I'm surprised I can type because my eyes are so puffy! It's so unfair! Everything about this whole stupid situation is so UNFAIR! I can't understand why there are so many people out there who take for granted that they can pop out a baby whenever they want and I have to worry about if I will EVER have a chance to be a mom!! UGH!!!!!!!!!!! Chase and I both agree that we would not want to have a baby until we move back to Texas, but what if that can't happen?!? What if the news I get in August is bad? I TOTALLY believe that God has a plan for us - and I will never disregard that, but what if???

This entry probably doesn't make sense at all, but this little breakdown was only going to be calmed by writing! I'm so sorry for the rant!!!!

On the flip side - I've become MUCH better at taking care of myself and getting my medication on a better schedule! I just hope it pays off!! Man, I am so happy Chase is not home to see this melt down - it will be our little secret! LOL!!!

Love you all!