"Tripping Billies"

If it's not one thing, it's another. I'm ALMOST totally convinced we are just not supposed to have a baby. I can't handle anymore disappointment. I'm so depressed right now...without even thinking about it, my eyes will well up with tears. This afternoon we got the news that we were not able to get the full amount we needed for the adoption. We didn't have a back up plan. I refuse to wait a year or MORE to raise the money (which seems virtually impossible to raise that much money) and I'm just so tired. I'm tired of researching, I'm tired of getting my hopes up, I'm tired of being disappointed, I'm just plain tired. This is the same feeling I had when I found out I had cancer. I can't stop crying. I know it's mostly because I'm feeling sorry for myself.

And I'm mad. I'm so EFFING mad! We work hard for what we have...2 cars, a house, a wonderful family support, 2 really good incomes...yet we can't have a baby. Then there are those kids out there who think it's so cute to get pregnant and they can't even take care of the baby. We have to have a FBI background check, a child abuse registry check, some lady come to our house and interview us, go before a judge and come up with $25,000 to have a baby.

I know I'm better than this, but this is what I'm feeling right now. I'm so upset...so sad...so tired. This is so hard. I'm exhausted. I worry about this all day long. It's all I think about. I try to imagine not being a mother and although I know I'll be ok (WE will be ok), it hurts my heart so much! I will never forsake God and I will always believe that he has a plan for us. I'll never blame Him or turn my back on Him. I will continue to pray and lift my worries to Him and I will continue to ask you guys for prayers as well. I'm just sad. I'll get over it and by the next entry, I may be a whole different person. But for now, I'm sad.