Sunday, April 22, 2012

"While I'm Waiting"

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Thursday, April 19, 2012

"He Weeps"

This afternoon baby girl had her first visit with her mom (supervised at the CPS office).  Chase and I made the decision to both be there to meet her.  I had been building up the anticipation since we got the phone call on Tuesday.  I had so many mixed emotions...and still do.  I wasn't sure what to expect.  I went through a million different scenarios for a 5 minute event.  I thought of all the things I would say when she asked how baby girl was doing.  I thought of how she would notice how much we love baby girl.  I thought that she would not want to speak or look at us.  I thought about how she would be resentful toward us for being around for all of baby girls development the past 2 months.  In reality, it resembled NOTHING like what I had imagined.  Both mom and dad showed up.  Dad seemed fine but mom looked like a nervous wreck.  I could only imagine what she was going through.  They handed baby girl to mom and she looked so uncomfortable.  Almost like she didn't know what to do with her.  At that point we left and waited for the longest hour of our lives.  When we arrived back at the CPS office the door opened and mom walked out crying and headed out the door.  I then heard the phrase I knew was coming, but hoped wouldn't happen..."we are going to start having weekly visits".  

I don't know what comes next.  I assume mom either already has a plan or will have one created for her soon.  The rest will be in God's hands.  LOL!!!!  I hear myself say that and I really want to believe it but I can't seem to live it.  I know my God is a great and merciful God.  I know that He will protect my heart.  I know that He has a plan for each one of us.  I know that I am supposed to give my worries to Him.  I KNOW all of this so why can't I let go!  Why am I sitting here crying over the idea of one day not having baby girl in my arms.  It hurts my heart so much to think that we may not always have her.  Maybe this foster to adopt thing was a mistake.  Maybe we weren't cut out for this.  I could barely keep it together knowing that we are progressing toward weekly visits how am I going to keep myself together if she is reunited?  

This is so selfish of me.  I am all about me me me!  I'm not thinking about the big picture.  IF her mom follows plan she should have her baby.  She is HERS!  I'm only thinking about poor Lisa.  How desperate I am to have my own baby.  I don't wanna share.  I don't wanna give her up.  This is me looking in the mirror....admitting the truth.  I truly believe that we are creating a safe place for children by becoming a foster family but HONESTLY....I'm doing it for ME!  I want a baby!  This is so unfair!!!!!  UGH!!!!! 

PS:  THANK YOU SO MUCH for all of the prayers!  I could feel the blessings surrounding us all day!  I don't know what I would do without the wonderful, thoughtful support of each of you! :)

Friday, April 6, 2012

"Sick as a Dog"

For those of you who are my FB friends,  you know that baby girl has been sick! She's been a little sniffly for about a week or so and we thought nothing of it!  Last Sunday she started to get a bit wheezy and that got me concerned.  I brought her to the doctor and nothing was alarming...wheezing was off and on, no coughing and no fever.  She came home early from daycare on Tuesday but still no fever.  Wednesday I asked my cousin (a repiratory therapist) to take a look and let me know what she though!  Baby girl had 100 degree fever and lots of congestion so we brought her to the ER. Unfortunately, she tested positive for RSV and they admitted her right away.  She stayed 2 nights at Baptist Hospital and today we came home!!!  She never let it get her down, though.  She was still happy and slept and ate just fine!  She broke her fever early so there were no concerns with her coming home!  She has the cutest nebulizer to do her breathing treatments with - a pink panda bear! :)  

Her lungs sounded good yesterday evening so we are very thankful it wasn't anything too awful!  Thank you for all of the prayers for her - they definitely worked!  The staff at the hospital was phenomenal!  They were so attentive and I never felt like I was a bother (I have a tendancy to talk too much)!  They treated baby girl like she was the only paitent!! THANK YOU to all of the staff on the pedi floor at Baptist Hospital in Beaumont!

I hope all of you have a super fantastic Easter weekend!  Please remember we are celebrating because Jesus died and rose again and for that we are all forgiven and will live forever in the glory of God! 
Now I need to go tend to a grouchy 3 month old! LOL!!!
Happy Easter!!!