Here I Go Again

Sometimes I forget that I have this fabulous outlet to think and type and get everything off my chest.  Today has been a pretty good so far, afterall, it's Chase's 40th birthday.  I love that man - just FYI! :)

The other thing on my mind today is the giant step we have decided to once again take.  A couple of months ago we completed our foster care application with Covenant Kids.  I filled it out without any intention of turning it in soon.  I wanted to see how Chase felt and the kids - I already knew what I felt.  I feel like this is my "thing".  I feel like out of all of the gifts God gives us, I keep getting pulled in this direction.  Maybe it's because I can't have children of my own.  I don't question it, I just go with it.  My biggest concern was Chase.  This is not something that I can do on my own.  He was quick to come on board (probably because he knew it was something important to me) and we both agreed that we would only be able to take one kiddo at a time this go round.  A is excited and wants to be a big sister.  I explained that a little kid may come live with us - it could be for a short time or a long time but they may go back to their mommy.  Her response was simply "or they might live with us forever".  Yes baby...they might.  Z is almost 13, so I can only guess at her feelings on a little kid in the house LOL!!  

Needless to say, I turned in our application.  They have since received our Buckner information and in the process of reviewing that, we've completed all of our online training, updated all of our general paperwork and will attend an orientation this Friday.  We are ready.  I even bought a convertible crib.  A wants to share a room with the "baby" so that works out great!  Our goal is to be completed by the new year (depending on the availability of on site training classes).  

I'm not as anxious as I have been the last couple of times we did this.  I'm anxious to finish updating our license, but I'm not anxious about the placement.  I know that God will take care of that.  He will decide if we foster or adopt.  He will decide when we get a placement.  I have faith that this will all work out if it's meant to be.  

Today I only ask for prayers for patience and guidance. 

**I realized I never updated from my last post regarding A's sibling.  She was adopted by paternal grandmother.  We were very sad about this development, but pray that she will be cared for and loved in her new home. 

Here I Go Again

Sometimes I forget that I have this fabulous outlet to think and type and get everything off my chest.  Today has been a pretty good so far, afterall, it's Chase's 40th birthday.  I love that man - just FYI! :)

The other thing on my mind today is the giant step we have decided to once again take.  A couple of months ago we completed our foster care application with Covenant Kids.  I filled it out without any intention of turning it in soon.  I wanted to see how Chase felt and the kids - I already knew what I felt.  I feel like this is my "thing".  I feel like out of all of the gifts God gives us, I keep getting pulled in this direction.  Maybe it's because I can't have children of my own.  I don't question it, I just go with it.  My biggest concern was Chase.  This is not something that I can do on my own.  He was quick to come on board (probably because he knew it was something important to me) and we both agreed that we would only be able to take one kiddo at a time this go round.  A is excited and wants to be a big sister.  I explained that a little kid may come live with us - it could be for a short time or a long time but they may go back to their mommy.  Her response was simply "or they might live with us forever".  Yes baby...they might.  Z is almost 13, so I can only guess at her feelings on a little kid in the house LOL!!  

Needless to say, I turned in our application.  They have since received our Buckner information and in the process of reviewing that, we've completed all of our online training, updated all of our general paperwork and will attend an orientation this Friday.  We are ready.  I even bought a convertible crib.  A wants to share a room with the "baby" so that works out great!  Our goal is to be completed by the new year (depending on the availability of on site training classes).  

I'm not as anxious as I have been the last couple of times we did this.  I'm anxious to finish updating our license, but I'm not anxious about the placement.  I know that God will take care of that.  He will decide if we foster or adopt.  He will decide when we get a placement.  I have faith that this will all work out if it's meant to be.  

Today I only ask for prayers for patience and guidance. 

**I realized I never updated from my last post regarding A's sibling.  She was adopted by paternal grandmother.  We were very sad about this development, but pray that she will be cared for and loved in her new home. 

And then we just came back home...

We arrived in Beaumont at 2 am and got up bright and early to be at the courthouse at 8 am.  I'm still tired thinking about it.  So as we are sitting outside the courtroom waiting for it to begin, up walks the CASA supervisor from A's case.  She came over and said hi and asked why we were there.  When we told her, she said "I was just assigned this case yesterday and I was hoping someone had contacted you".  She was surprised that we knew about it immediately but was happy we were involved.  She went to speak with the attorney to let her know that we were there and interested.  We waited a few minutes longer and then we saw our CASA volunteer walk up.  She was amazing during A's case and was there for this case as well.  We had gone into this with no agency help so it was nice to see some familiar faces to help us along.  As we were standing in the hallway talking about the case and what to expect, grandma walks up (bio dads mom).  I recognized her instantly although I had only met her once almost 4 years ago.  She did not recognize me.  I was not surprised.

We entered the courtroom and the anxiousness of the unknown washed over me just as it had every time we were there for A.  Our case was the 2nd one called.  The attorney announced that the parents were not "available" to be in court but that we were the adoptive parents of her sibling and interested in placement.  She also reminded the judge that the sibling (A) case took place in his court and the parental rights had been terminated.  Depending on the reasoning behind the termination, this case may be handled as an "aggravated case".  She also let him know that we had since moved away and that we were reopening our home for this child if that's the direction they were going. CASA then stepped in to tell the judge that A was doing well and that she had kept up with us over the years.  

Not much happened after that.  The little girl will remain with the current foster family and we patiently wait for a letter to let us know the next meeting.  Since parents are not directly involved, we will have a group meeting with CPS and grandma to discuss next steps for this little girl.  We spoke with grandma briefly outside the courtroom.  She said that she was grateful that A was doing so well and understood why we were there.  

We left with as much knowledge as we came in with.  Not much.  I should have known not to have any expectations of this initial hearing.  He heard everyone and then a plan will be made.  This is the hardest part of everything.  The waiting.  The unknown.  The hardest part of fostering is not having control and then ONE DAY your life changes forever.  It's also the most rewarding in some cases.  

I'll continue to update as I gain information.  Please continue to pray for everyone involved...especially the judge and CPS case workers to make a decision that is best for this little girl and patience for me and Chase!

"Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)"

I'm seriously the worst blogger ever!  The last few months have been such a blur but I'll do my best to cover the major events that have come and gone!

April:  Chase was offered a fantastic opportunity with a great company...in Plano!  He accepted and moved to Dallas at the end of the month.  Baby girl and I had to stay behind until the adoption was final.  Our wonderful case workers did their best to be sure that everything was in place so that we could join Chase as soon as possible.

May:  Nothing....still waiting

June: We FINALLY had a court date - Monday, July 1, 2013 at 8:30am!!  Once we had a court date I started looking for a job and thankfully received an offer to begin the 2nd week of July!  We also frantically looked for a place to live and found a great house north of Dallas!

July: THE DAY WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!!!  We made sure that anybody who wanted to attend knew all of the details...Monday, July 1 - 8:15am - Jefferson County Courthouse, 2nd floor, Judge Randy Shelton's court room!  We were joyously blessed with 20+ attendees sporting the bright turquoise shirts we had designed for this super special day!  We were also featured on Channel 6 news (in Beaumont) on their Forever Families segment!  A huge thank you to Ashley Gaston and Channel 6 for being there while we celebrated the most exciting event in our lives alongside the most wonderful family and friends that we could ever ask for! 

Everyone waiting to enter the courtroom!

We had a packed house!

Our Forever Family with Judge Randy Shelton

Our interview with Channel 6 News!

******************************************************

Introducing Miss Aubrey AnnMarie !!!!

We cannot thank you guys enough for following our journey over the past few years!  Your prayers and thoughts have carried us through when we could see no light at the end of the tunnel.  We always knew that our Lord God had a beautiful plan for us and if we could endure the heartbreak and the cracks in our path with fearless determination, we will be overwhelmed with blessings in the end.  We look forward to the journey ahead and will continue to live our life to serve Him through the ministry of foster care/adoption.  Now that we are finally settled in our new home, we have begun the process of transferring our records to an organization locally and will eventually open up our home to another child.  Again, thank you for following us and I look forward to many many more updates in the near future!



"Feeling Groovy"

SHE'S HERE!   On Tuesday, February 7 at 5pm we were entrusted with the most beautiful little girl in the world.  She is 6 weeks old, has the biggest, bluest eyes and has totally rocked our world!  An 8 year old in the house is one thing...a newborn is quite another!  Overall, she is not a very fussy baby (as I type this, she is squirming in Chase's arms after being fed and changed, LOL)!!  She tells us when she's hungry and when she needs changing!  She goes to sleep (although she really just sleeps all day) around 11pm, wakes up at 3 for feeding and diaper change, then usually sleeps until 7 or 8!  Today she slept til 9!!!  YIPPEE!!!  I've been off work for the past week and will be next week so that we can postpone daycare as long as possible.  We have a friend taking care of her the week of the 20th and Chase is taking vacation the last week of Feb so she will not have to go to daycare until March 5!  Thank goodness! I hate thinking of putting her in there, but we need to work!  I've made several visits to the daycare she will be attending and absolutley love it.  They are excited to meet her so that makes me feel a little more at ease!

I have totally LOVED shopping for her!  She now has a fabulous collection of headbands with ridiculously big flowers and all things pink - and thank you to everyone who sent her clothes, she loves them, I can tell!!!!  She is so tiny that her 0-3mo clothing are way too big so I had to get her a few newborn outfits for now!  I'm not allowed to post pics of her on the internet otherwise they would be all over the place :)  For those of you who have received pictures from us, please do not post them on Facebook!  Her aunt, uncle, cousins and grandparents are in love with her and she never has a lack of arms to hold her!  She is one lucky little girl!!

We have no idea what her plan is at this point.  She was an emergency placement, so technically she's not officially our foster baby!  She has a 14 day hearing on the 21st at 8:30am.  At that point they will see if any relatives have come forward for her and have had an approved home study. If nobody comes forward, then she will remain in our care until they create a long term plan for her, either reunification or adoption (usually about a year long process).  Obviously, we don't want her to go, but we know that's not our call.  We love her so much and get teary every time I'm holding her and she just looks up at me and I think that I may not get to see those eyes forever!  If she leaves our home, I can't imagine the pain we will feel but we will be OK knowing that we were able to love her for a short time.  Ultimately, we are praying that she stays with us...forever would be a wonderful and beautiful blessing.  For now we will take one day at a time and enjoy every single minute with her!

At this time we are asking for prayers for her plan.  We pray that she will remain in a safe, loving environment. We pray that she will understand how much we love her and would do anything for her.  We pray for protection over our hearts if she does not remain in our care.  Pray for all of the children who need protection and love out there.

Well, I see that we have totally lost track of time and missed church :(  I will update as often as I can about her progress and any changes to her care!  Thank you for those of you who have been so supportive through all of this, we really appreciate it and love you all so much!

"God Gave Me you"

Today has been absolutely crazy!  To sum it all up, we got the call!  That's right....the call!!!!  Let me back it up and tell you how this day came to be!

I recieved a beautiful gift from a friend that totally made my day this past weekend!  I necklace with a charm that very simply says "Ask Believe Receive"!  So that's exactly what I did!  I asked Him....I asked Him for the family that we are supposed to have.  I asked Him to give me patience throughout this time of waiting for our baby.  Then I believed.  I believed that He heard every word I said. 

Today I recieved a wonderful book from a coworker with a personalized message to me and Chase!  It's the story of a family and their personal journey through adoption.  I look forward to reading it and see this process through someone else's eyes! (sorry, I can't seem to rotate the picture and I got frustrated so here ya go, LOL)!!!

Then it happened.  The call.  At 11:03 this morning Buckner called with a referral.  A six week old baby girl for an emergency placement.  I called Chase and although I was asking him what he thought, I had already decided YES.  Luckily, he agreed.  It took 2 hours for them to call us back to let us know that she would be placed with us.  We were supposed to get her tonight, but due to some paperwork issues, it will be early tomorrow!

HOLY CRAP!!!!!  We are going to be foster parents.  We don't know very much about her, but we don't care.  We are so excited to have a baby in our home!  I will probably be taking off work the next 2 weeks to get things in order around the house and with the day care.  I know this may not be forever, but it is for right now. We are getting an opportunity of a lifetime.  Regardless of the amount of time she will be in our home, we have unlimited love to show her.  Our thumbprint in her life! 

I have so much to do before she gets here, so I'm making this short!  I'll update tomorrow as soon as things get settled! 

"I'm Gonna Love You Through It"

Almost done...AGAIN! LOL! The next week consists of the following...adoption prep class, SAMA class, fingerprints, home visit, health inspection, home study interviews, fire inspection, and orientation (which should have been our first class...oops) and my very premature baby shower! WHEW! Feels like we've done this before! LOL!

This has been such a long journey and this is just the preparation period! I cannot wait to be updated. We aren't sure how long it will take from our last class (on the 15th), but I'm hoping that because we are already in the system, it will go fairly fast. Our hope is to be recertified by the end of November! That means that we have a pretty good chance of having a child in our house by Christmas! That's best case scenario...and that's what we are praying for!

I know this is not going to be easy, especially if that first child in our house isn't with us forever, but I'm hopeful. I'm 100% sure that our baby is out there somewhere, God is just preparing the perfect time for us to meet eachother.

I'm always amazed with our God. I'm amazed at how He uses the people in our lives to lead us to the exact spot He wants us to be. I would be no where near where I am today without God placing Chase in my life. When I trace back where I was to where I am, I have grown so much. My lifestyle has changed and my relationship with the Lord has changed. Everyday I'm learning a little more about who I am and who I want to be. This entire journey has been eye opening, to say the least. I know that we have been CHOSEN to grow our family this way. That is such a great feeling! Thank you Lord for every tear I've cried and every hug I've recieved. I have no doubt there are many more in my future!!!

"Into the Groove"

We decided to give this whole adopting through the state another try. We went to Homes 4 Good last night. It was referred to us by a coworker of mine. We really really liked it! I am still in love with ANLC (and we have all of our paperwork turned in, still waiting on the money, though), but I felt very comfortable with this new place. The guy teaching the orientation was very laid back which made it far more comfortable to ask questions. I also felt comforted that there were several couples who wanted the same thing out of this as we did. I asked about having a preference in age and he said it won't be a problem. We may have to wait longer if we go straight adoption, but it's not out of the question.

He also explained foster to adopt and legal risk ALOT better than the woman at CC. He explained it so well, we are actually considering it. We can still be particular with age and if we are open to sibling groups, it also increases our chances of a quick placement. Legal risk is basically a classification. It means that the parental rights are already or in the process of being relinquished. So ideally, we could do foster to adopt with legal risk children under the age of 2. Wow. That is exciting!

We already finished our application and few of the other forms that need to be completed. We have a class tomorrow specifically for adoption so we can turn some of the forms in then. We still have to go through PRIDE classes, but they are only 3 nights next week in Conroe instead of 2 times a week for 4 weeks ALL over Houston, which is what we would have had to do with CC! We still have one other class to go to and we need to get CPR certified! So much to do, but I feel so much more in control.

Like I said earlier, we are still totally in love with ANLC. Our Plan B (Plan A was going solely through ANLC) is going through Homes 4 Good and continue our fundraising to eventually go through ANLC! That gives us a little time to raise some money while still growing our family!

In other news...my engine light came on the other day and the car people said for $700 they can fix my car. HA! We totally were thinking like $300...um, we were wrong! I'm thinking we can probably bring that estimate to some other shops and see if they can do it a little less expensive! I vote that I get a new car. Chase does not agree! :(

I'm sure I'll be back tomorrow to update our FFF class (the one for adoptive parents)! If you are interested in our fundraising bracelets, email me at dodsonadoption@gmail.com. ALSO...we have a new fan page on Facebook called Operation Baby Dodson - search it and "like" it then pass it on! Thanks!

Goodnight!

"Tripping Billies"

If it's not one thing, it's another. I'm ALMOST totally convinced we are just not supposed to have a baby. I can't handle anymore disappointment. I'm so depressed right now...without even thinking about it, my eyes will well up with tears. This afternoon we got the news that we were not able to get the full amount we needed for the adoption. We didn't have a back up plan. I refuse to wait a year or MORE to raise the money (which seems virtually impossible to raise that much money) and I'm just so tired. I'm tired of researching, I'm tired of getting my hopes up, I'm tired of being disappointed, I'm just plain tired. This is the same feeling I had when I found out I had cancer. I can't stop crying. I know it's mostly because I'm feeling sorry for myself.

And I'm mad. I'm so EFFING mad! We work hard for what we have...2 cars, a house, a wonderful family support, 2 really good incomes...yet we can't have a baby. Then there are those kids out there who think it's so cute to get pregnant and they can't even take care of the baby. We have to have a FBI background check, a child abuse registry check, some lady come to our house and interview us, go before a judge and come up with $25,000 to have a baby.

I know I'm better than this, but this is what I'm feeling right now. I'm so upset...so sad...so tired. This is so hard. I'm exhausted. I worry about this all day long. It's all I think about. I try to imagine not being a mother and although I know I'll be ok (WE will be ok), it hurts my heart so much! I will never forsake God and I will always believe that he has a plan for us. I'll never blame Him or turn my back on Him. I will continue to pray and lift my worries to Him and I will continue to ask you guys for prayers as well. I'm just sad. I'll get over it and by the next entry, I may be a whole different person. But for now, I'm sad.

"Time"

Without access to the internet, other than my phone, my blog has suffered a bit. Last month we decided to start gathering some information on domestic adoptions. I have held Catholic Charities close to my heart for several reasons, so we began there. They were holding an informational on adoption through CPS. The letters "CPS" send several emotions through my body. First, those poor children. Who knows what they have been through and what has delivered them to the hands of the state. Secondly, how do they cope with a new family? More so, how do WE cope with a child coming into a new family? Mostly selfish, I suppose. I've always wanted a newborn and this would definitely not be a newborn.

So we go to this informational because, if nothing else, it won't hurt to gain some insight into the process. We were one of 3 couples in attendance. After 3 hours of information being thrown at us, we got into the car...speechless. I wasn't sure how I felt. I told Chase that I had always wanted a newborn and that I wasn't sure if I was ready to handle a child with an unstable past. Selfish, once again. Then Chase said something that made me realize once again why I love this man so much. He said "don't you believe that God brought us here today for a reason? We want to be parents and they need a family. Who are we to decide how or when that would happen?" That was all I needed. It was so true. We want to have kids and these kids want a family...what a perfect combination. When I got home, I filled out most of the application and we are preparing to turn it in on our anniversary (since we must be married for 2 years before applying).

We are not fostering...only adopting. We can be specific on the number of children (since most are sibling groups) and age range, but not ethnicity. I'm very excited and nervous, but who isn't? Even if I were pregnant, I'd be just as nervous and excited!!

Other than that, I really don't have any other updates in the Dodson household. We had Zoren with us last week which is always fun! We had a great time and hopefully we'll be able to see her again before she starts school (first grade ALREADY)!!!

Chasing Pavements

I've been thinking about our future adoption process a lot lately. Ok...honestly, I've been worrying more than anything. I've always focused my attention on the cost and the wait...what about the initial acceptance??? Oh goodness...that stresses me out.

I know nobody said "life is fair", but I've found myself giving into the 'woe is me' attitude - if only for tonight. I just found out one more of my friends is pregnant, and although I'm very excited for them, I feel sorry for me. I know I'm not supposed to feel this way...or at least not out loud. But it's hard to stay happy about it all the time. I make jokes or I try to make it all sound ok when in reality, it's not. I see my scars every single day. I know I'm not the only one in the world going through this, but sometimes it feels like it. I want to take a pregnancy test. I want to wear maternity clothes. I want to know what my baby would look like. Life shouldn't revolve around our WANTS, and we should be thankful for what we have. I have a great husband and family and I now have my health! Lots of blessings. But I can't help but think how sad it would be for us to never have children of our own. I'm sure if you've read through my blog, you've probably heard me say that before.

So tomorrow I'm off work so I'm going to spend some time looking into some agencies in the area. I figure it won't hurt for us to meet with people and find out what we'll need to do eventually. My cousin called me the other night and we talked about foster to adopt. I never really had any feelings about this...I just assumed I'd do an infant adoption through an agency. I'm getting some info from her and we are more than willing to explore our options!

Speaking of adoptions...we adopted a new puppy. Her name is Chloe and we were TOLD that she was a lab mix but after a little research, we firmly believe she is a German Shepherd mix. She is so freakin' cute! I love having a puppy around and Preston is actually warming up to her a bit! We are guessing she is about 8 or 9 weeks old so we made her birthday December 8, 2009!

Chloe's first day home - LOVING the backyard!

Preston playing with his new baby sister!!!