I'm prefacing this entry by apologizing. I apologize for the whiney, cry baby, feel sorry for myself, really pathetic words that are about to pour out of my fingers.
AAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! That's me crying and screaming all at once. I can't stand it. Today I found myself sitting in the empty baby room trying to take the crib apart when suddenly tears started running down my cheek. I know I've said this before many, many times and I have no doubt that I will say this again many, many times.....it's not fair! It's not fair that I don't get to have a conventional baby shower; it's not fair that I don't get to see an ultrasound; it's not fair that I don't get to put a real due date on a baby registry; it's not fair that I feel like my "expectancy" is less important than someone with a big belly; it's not fair that I'm not excited to go to baby showers. AAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Instead I have to sit here and wait. I have to sit here and wait for some STRANGER to decide whether or not I'm even suitable to BE a parent! Like right now. We are sitting around, twiddling our thumbs waiting to hear back about the 2 babies we were submitted for. We just wait. No, it's not like waiting the 9 months before having a baby. It's not even close to the same. Pregnant women KNOW they are having a baby. We have NO idea IF we are having a baby! Why did this have to happen to me? Why couldn't I just get pregnant like everyone else?
On a side note, Chase hates when I have "bad blog days"! :) LOL!!! I think it helps me to get through this whole crazy thing called life. It keeps me from laying around the house, crying all day. Believe me, I've felt like that before. I refuse to be depressed about this. I refuse to give up faith. I'm only human, though. I have emotions and right now they are sad.
I am so sorry to hear that you are having a rough time. If anyone knows how you feel, I definitely do. Everything you said is SO TRUE!! I've asked myself numerous times, WHY!! The only thing I can come up with is that God has people like us that he needs to take care of others' babies and that we're strong enough people to handle the fact that we can't conceive on our own. Our strength is tested quite frequently, but he'll never give you more than you can handle. My prayers are with y'all and I hope that one of these 2 babies that y'all are waiting for will be yours soon. The wait is the worst part. :)
ReplyDelete~Shannon~