"Tiny Dancer"

Apparantly MD Anderson had not received my most recent biopsy slide and had based the decision of my surgery on the pathology reports. I got a phone call last Thursday from the dr. saying that they had requested my slides from Tennessee because the final pathology report was not clear as the grade my cancer was after the Megace treatment. It mentioned that it looked higher, but is not able to say which grade. It was assumed a grade 2 since it had originally been 1-2. Yesterday the dr. called me again and said that they had recieved my slides and had their pathologists look at the slides to get a more definite answer. It came back as a grade 3! Much worse than we had expected. Regardless, the only treatment is a hysterectomy. I had already prepared myself for it, so the news was a little shocking, but no more upsetting than the first time I heard that news. Life is funny sometimes...not haha, though!

So we've been talking about houses and babies and it just all got very overwhelming to me. I mentioned it to Chase and he said that he would rather us find a house to rent for now and focus on the "kiddo"!!! I love that decision! I'm still gaining some information, but of course, part of it depends on where we are by the time we are ready to apply for adoption.

This past year has been so crazy, but I think we have handled everything pretty well! God is amazing and he speaks to me everyday! I am anxious to see what He has in his plans for us!

"Tears in Heaven"

Today was my MD Anderson appointment. I didn't expect a miracle, but I had to at least check out my options. First of all...MD Anderson is the best hospital I have ever been to! It's almost IMPOSSIBLE to get lost (and I can usually manage to get lost) and EVERYONE there is so incredibly nice! I loved it! My Dr. was fantastic! He met briefly with me to do an exam and then brought us to the conference room (me, Chase and my mom). He had reviewed my slides and test and whatever and it seems that my most recent biopsy did in fact read Endometrial Cancer, Stage 1, Grade 2! No grade 1 anymore. The megace I was on for 3 months had no affect on the cancer which actually progressed a little bit. I know I had already been told that, but I needed to hear it from someone else.

There is a clinical study being done on women with pre-cancerous and/or Stage 1, Grade 1 cancer where they insert an IUD and test the results - which have all been pretty good (regressing). I no longer have Grade 1. That puts me in a very unfortunate position. At this time, there is no "pill" type of treatment for anything beyond Grade 1. Let me back up real quick and give a little lesson in staging and grading, for those who don't know!

Stage I - confined to the uterine lining
Stage II - moves to the cervix
Stage III - vaginal, cervical and uterine
Stage IV - moves outside the uterus into other organs ie. liver, lungs, etc.

Within any of these stages, the cells will have a grade...

Grade 1 - normal shaped cells compacting together
Grade 2 - the cells are compacted and losing their shape
Grade 3 - the cells have no rhyme or reason; no shape and a bit of a mess

Ok...so I have Stage 1 (which is good), Grade 2 (not so good)! Like I said, they have no "pill" treatment for anything after Grade 1, therefore the only treatment for me is a hysterectomy. I know that's what my first doctor wanted to do, but he didn't tell me WHY!??!! You can't just take out my baby maker and not tell me WHY!!! Now I understand...it SUCKS....but I understand. It's to the point where I need to look out for my well being and my survival. My Dr. was so sympathetic and really understanding. He still seemed a bit thrown by my age (being about 20 years younger than the average End. Cancer patient) and health (pretty darn healthy), but said this is really the only option before it progresses too far.

So I will go home and think it all over. He didn't seem to be in a huge rush, but of course, I need to figure something out soon. I will definitely have my surgery at MD Anderson - I loved that place (as much as you can love a cancer hospital...LOL)!!!

I firmly believe God speaks to us through the obstacles and blessings we encounter in our lives. This is my big obstacle. I'm not supposed to have my own baby - maybe I'm supposed to save the life of a baby who needs loving parents. If anyone has any adoption information or knows of someone for us to talk to, I'd appreciate any information!

Thank you for your prayers. Even though it was not the answer I wanted, I know God listens and he has a fabulous plan for us! After I have a little "feel sorry for myself" time, I'll start preparing myself for our next adventure! I'm so lucky to have my supportive and loving family and my wonderful husband! I love all of you! This story is not over - I'll definitely keep posting as more information comes up! Good night!!!

"Itsy Bitsy Spider"

I giggle a little whenever I see responses to my blog that say I'm brave and what a positive outlook I have. I do, I don't doubt that, but man...you have no idea how hard that is! I hope that I can be, how should I say it...influential, I guess! I just know that there are millions of other horrible things that could be experienced and I'm so blessed to only have this little tiny insignificant disease to deal with!!! Oh I have my days...more than I'd like! I have days where all I want to do is cry. I have days where I think the total worst case scenario could happen. I have days where I try to imagine not ever having children. But I also have days where I see our family growing with kids. I have days where I've imagined helping in the research and cure of endometrial cancer. I have days where I've beat this thing and I get to be a cancer survivor!

7 months into this thing, it's all still very surreal. I tend to focus a lot on the children factor and not so much on the disease itself. I have cancer. That is so strange to me. Mine is not to the point of life threatening, but it's cancer. It's a disease eating at my body. I don't feel anything though. I'm not in pain, I'm not weak and tired, I don't feel ill. I have no symptoms of being sick at all. None. It's so surreal. That's been my word lately. Surreal. An out of body experience. Like this isn't happening to me. Weird. I think that's why I giggle when people comment on my bravery. I'm not entirely brave, I'm just disconnected. And I also know that there is no other way to take this kind of diagnosis than to fight. I have to fight - there is no other option.

My good friend Heidi is flying to Washington DC on November 8 to run in the Gynocological Cancer awareness run! I'm so proud of her and what she is running for! I wish I could be there with her, but with the possibility of flying back and forth to Houston, it just wasn't in the cards! I hope she knows what an impact she is making!!! I would love to find a more localized organiztion that supports gynocological cancer. It covers so many types of cancer that women suffer from. Endometrial cancer is not as rare as we think it is...more and more women are being diagnosed and the awareness is obsolete. I would have never even known it existed until my dr. diagnosed me - especially since it's a cancer that isn't tested for until later in life! I'm very interested in creating, helping with or donating time to any organiztion that may support gynocological cancer so if anyone knows of anything, let me know!!!! Whew..that was a bit of a rant! LOL!

Well, my appointment with Dr. Sood is next Monday at 11:30am at MD Anderson! I'm exctied, nervous and anxious all wrapped into one! I'll definitely be updating after my appointment!!! Til then.....

"2 Legit 2 Quit"

My face is sooo broken out, I've been sick to my stomach on and off for the past 3 weeks, my boobs are sore and I was 2 weeks late (which only lasted 3 days anyway)! The girls at work keep telling me to take a pregnancy test, but I know it can't be! We have sooo many things against us right now, it would truly be a miracle of God if we were pregnant - and it would really save us some money! LOL!!! Maybe I'm having one of those psychological things...where I want to be pregnant so I'm making my body think I am. No....I'm not that obsessive about it...or nuts!! :)

I'm home early from work today and I'll be home early tomorrow too! That would usually be a great thing, but Chase closes tonight and the weather is HORRIBLE!!! We have a tornado watch until 5pm. Tornados scare the crap out of me! We are on the 3rd floor and I can only imagine what would happen if one hit us! EEK! Chase and I will usually truck it to Walmart or Bed Bath and Beyond when we have a watch b/c we figure we would be way safer there than here! :)

Ok...enough wasting time! I'm gonna try to be productive and maybe organize some stuff around the house! OOOO...maybe some remodeling!!! :)

I'm sure I'll have some updates in a couple of weeks!!!