This afternoon baby girl had her first visit with her mom (supervised at the CPS office). Chase and I made the decision to both be there to meet her. I had been building up the anticipation since we got the phone call on Tuesday. I had so many mixed emotions...and still do. I wasn't sure what to expect. I went through a million different scenarios for a 5 minute event. I thought of all the things I would say when she asked how baby girl was doing. I thought of how she would notice how much we love baby girl. I thought that she would not want to speak or look at us. I thought about how she would be resentful toward us for being around for all of baby girls development the past 2 months. In reality, it resembled NOTHING like what I had imagined. Both mom and dad showed up. Dad seemed fine but mom looked like a nervous wreck. I could only imagine what she was going through. They handed baby girl to mom and she looked so uncomfortable. Almost like she didn't know what to do with her. At that point we left and waited for the longest hour of our lives. When we arrived back at the CPS office the door opened and mom walked out crying and headed out the door. I then heard the phrase I knew was coming, but hoped wouldn't happen..."we are going to start having weekly visits".
I don't know what comes next. I assume mom either already has a plan or will have one created for her soon. The rest will be in God's hands. LOL!!!! I hear myself say that and I really want to believe it but I can't seem to live it. I know my God is a great and merciful God. I know that He will protect my heart. I know that He has a plan for each one of us. I know that I am supposed to give my worries to Him. I KNOW all of this so why can't I let go! Why am I sitting here crying over the idea of one day not having baby girl in my arms. It hurts my heart so much to think that we may not always have her. Maybe this foster to adopt thing was a mistake. Maybe we weren't cut out for this. I could barely keep it together knowing that we are progressing toward weekly visits how am I going to keep myself together if she is reunited?
This is so selfish of me. I am all about me me me! I'm not thinking about the big picture. IF her mom follows plan she should have her baby. She is HERS! I'm only thinking about poor Lisa. How desperate I am to have my own baby. I don't wanna share. I don't wanna give her up. This is me looking in the mirror....admitting the truth. I truly believe that we are creating a safe place for children by becoming a foster family but HONESTLY....I'm doing it for ME! I want a baby! This is so unfair!!!!! UGH!!!!!
PS: THANK YOU SO MUCH for all of the prayers! I could feel the blessings surrounding us all day! I don't know what I would do without the wonderful, thoughtful support of each of you! :)
