"Under the Table and Dreaming"

I try really hard to think positively. Honestly, I do! Today, though, was really hard. Cynthia emailed me to tell us that one of the children we were waiting for had been placed with her forever family. This was our 2nd rejection. Nobody likes rejection. It makes you feel less than worthy. It makes you feel like there is something wrong with you. What was it about our home study that made them look passed us? Did we do something wrong? Is the fact that I had cancer give them 2nd thoughts? Should we have answered a question differently? We have no idea.

Regardless of all of this, I still believe in God and I still believe in His plan for us.

On to other news in the Dodson household...we've moved!!! We are now living in Port Neches! Chase is working for HEB and he loves it. I'm working for a local dentist and so far so good, 3 days into it! :) We had Zoren with us the last 2 weeks and we definitely stayed busy with swimming, the beach, Nana and Pawpaw's house, the movies and just hanging out! The house is so quiet now. Even the dogs are having to adjust to the change!!! We also had our first visitors - Chase's mom, sister and my beautiful nephew!

I'm also happy to report that my dad's bypass surgery on July 13th went beautifully! Now the healing begins! He's still in some pain and had his staples taken out yesterday! EEK! It hurts me to even think about it! I just pray that he continues to take care of himself and doesn't take his heart for granted. I should start thinking about that too!

I'll update again soon with any new broadcasts or news! Thank you so much for your love, support and prayers!!!

"I Hope You Dance"

I'm prefacing this entry by apologizing. I apologize for the whiney, cry baby, feel sorry for myself, really pathetic words that are about to pour out of my fingers.

AAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! That's me crying and screaming all at once. I can't stand it. Today I found myself sitting in the empty baby room trying to take the crib apart when suddenly tears started running down my cheek. I know I've said this before many, many times and I have no doubt that I will say this again many, many times.....it's not fair! It's not fair that I don't get to have a conventional baby shower; it's not fair that I don't get to see an ultrasound; it's not fair that I don't get to put a real due date on a baby registry; it's not fair that I feel like my "expectancy" is less important than someone with a big belly; it's not fair that I'm not excited to go to baby showers. AAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Instead I have to sit here and wait. I have to sit here and wait for some STRANGER to decide whether or not I'm even suitable to BE a parent! Like right now. We are sitting around, twiddling our thumbs waiting to hear back about the 2 babies we were submitted for. We just wait. No, it's not like waiting the 9 months before having a baby. It's not even close to the same. Pregnant women KNOW they are having a baby. We have NO idea IF we are having a baby! Why did this have to happen to me? Why couldn't I just get pregnant like everyone else?

On a side note, Chase hates when I have "bad blog days"! :) LOL!!! I think it helps me to get through this whole crazy thing called life. It keeps me from laying around the house, crying all day. Believe me, I've felt like that before. I refuse to be depressed about this. I refuse to give up faith. I'm only human, though. I have emotions and right now they are sad.