And then this happened...

So today was court!  It was supposed to be a happy, joyous day for mom and the boys.  My caseworker started texting me around noon to get logistics set up...weekend visits for the month of May...pick up and drop off at 6pm every Friday and Sunday...exchange contact info with mom to coordinate locations!  DONE!  Court was at 1pm.  I got super slammed at work and didn't have a chance to look at my phone until I left at 4:30pm.  I see that I have a text from our caseworker "call me when you can.  Emergency!  No weekend visits :("  I frantically called her a handfull of time with no answer.  Finally I called our CASA worker who gave me the scoop.  Court went well...the judge was really happy with mom's progress and the weekend visits had been entered in to court.  It wasn't until after the hearing that the caseworker read an email from the "drug tester people" who said that mom's hair strand test came back positive. 

WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!?!?!?

Everyone had been so proud of her and the work she had done.  She was so excited to get her babies back!  Now nothing.  Now they are still in the system and no weekend visits!  Next hearing is in August.  *sigh*

Here's where things get really sad.  I recently had a change in jobs that took me from 40+ hours to a nice and cozy 34-36 hours per week.  I took this new job to spend more time at home and with my family.  I recently learned that BECAUSE I took a job with less hours, we no longer qualify for daycare assistance after May 20.  "They" want me to either find a new job with MORE hours OR, even worse, get a 2nd job in order to qualify!  I will never ever choose work over my family.  I worked way to hard to become a mommy to have a job tower over my kids.  Unfortunately, though, that means that we would have to pay daycare out of pocket indefinitely.  That is not an option.

So this is the situation we are in now.  Tomorrow I will call my child placing agency and I will sadly, and probably while crying, let them know that we are submitting our 30 day notice.  This means that in 30 days the boys will be removed from our home and placed in a different foster home.  I hate this.  I hate that a system with such ridiculous rules is forcing 2 innocent little boys to be shuffled between foster homes for something that is far from their fault.  I hate that I feel like a horrible human being for letting them go.  I hate that they will think that I'm failing them as an adult or that I don't love them enough to keep them.  I have no choice.  We absolutely cannot pay for daycare for 3 toddlers.  It's not even a financial possibility.  If I had an option of staying home, then I certainly would.  

My heart is hurting already and we still have a full month with them.  Tonight I just kept grabbing their faces and kissing them.  I couldn't let go of little B when he jumped in my lap.  I know they drive me crazy and I sound like a lunatic most of the time, but I love these boys with all of my heart.  As I sit here with tears pouring down my face, I ask for your prayers over our situation.  Pray that mom is able to follow plan and understand what she HAS to do to get her boys back.  Pray that our hearts are protected when the boys leave our home.  Pray that the next family will love the boys as much if not more than I do.  Pray for the boys...big, huge, gigantic, knees on the floor, hands in the air prayers for the boys.  I don't want them to end up a product of the system.  I want them to know what a family feels like.  I want them to know that they are loved and people genuinely care about their well being and future.  I want them to never feel like a burden or that they have EVER done anything wrong.  I want them to have tons of laughter and hugs and kisses their entire life.  

Please...just pray.

Missing you...

Since it's been so long since I've updated this thing, this blog will probably be a mash up of updates and my latest "poor me" thoughts!

First for updates!  The boys are doing great and enjoyed a fabulous Easter weekend getaway to the beach with my fabulous family!  We go to court April 30 where mom's attorney will file a motion to return.  This basically means that because she has worked her plan and done quite wonderfully, her attorney is asking for the boys to go home sooner than the 1 year expected date in August.  CPS has told us that they have no reason fight it because mom has done so well.  I only hope that when the boys go home, that she is ready!  They may make me crazy and look like a screaming lunatic (although Aubrey makes me do that too sometimes), but I will miss those babies so much.  We always knew that they would go home but you can never prepare a heart for it.  I pray the boys continue to grow and flourish like I've witnessed over the past 8 months and that this experience has forced there mom to realize how precious her babies are.  

So now the topic that prompted me to write today.  I miss my family.  I miss my mom and dad and living so close to them.  I'm sad that Aubrey is so far from her family and doesn't get to see her grandparents as often as she used to.  I didn't have a lot of friends in PN, but my entire family was there so we always had something to look forward to...even just a trip to Casa Ole.  I'm so lonely here. The kids and work keep me busy for the most part, but man oh man do I wish I had some family close.  I never regret anything because that only make people bitter and resentful.  I'm thankful that I have a wonderful husband and as a couple we decided on this move.  I love my house and my new neighborhood and my job.  I don't regret anything. I'm just sad.  I miss Aunt Eva or Zita calling to meet me at Rancho. I miss going to my mom's for dinner when Chase was out of town or worked late.  I know that I can't do anything about it at this point, but I just felt like I needed to let it out. I am hopeful, though, that we will make some good friends in our new town/neighborhood and the lost feeling I have will subside.  

And there you have it...poor little Lisa! :)  Happy Saturday everyone!