2 weeks until our 1 year anniversary! Can you believe it??? I feel like we've been together forever - taken in the very best possible way! I couldn't have asked God for a better man to spend my life with! We were totally meant to find eachother and I love him more and more everyday! Ok...enough mush for today! Have a good one!
I want to have a baby! I say that so casually! I was watching "Private Practice" tonight with all those pregnanat women and I walked into the living room and told Chase that I wanted to have a baby! HAHA! It sounds so funny - for several reasons! First, because I never thought I would say something like that and truly truly mean it! A little over 2 years ago, a baby would have never even crossed my mind! And second, usually when a woman makes that announcement, there is a slight pause; maybe some hesitation, followed by a discussion. Not in this household. Chase's response was "then let's have a baby"! I love him. I love that he is so positive about this whole experience! He went on to say "we'll have a baby, we just don't know how it will happen yet"! Have a mentioned that I love him?! I also love that he is so logical. He needs facts and results - I tend to live off of emotions and "what if" - without him, I would be a total mess...more than I already am! I should probably look into this logic thing! I did mention that I love my husband, right??
On a different note, today was a great day! We both had off work and actually had a chance to sleep in! It was well deserved! We cleaned the house and then went bowling and grocery shoppping! I know it doesn't sound exciting, but it's those little things that I absolutely adore about being married! LOL!! Today was a great day!
Up to this point I've had a lot of confidence in my oncologist! He has always been very upfront and honest with me and since he was the expert, I've trusted him! When he called last week to give me the biopsy results, he mentioned that he wanted to see me and Chase as soon as possible. Since then, I've recieved 2 phone calls from his nurse. The first was a voicemail asking me to call back and the second was at work. The nurse said "Dr. Numnum wanted me to touch base with you and see about setting up your surgery"! I was completely taken back! WHAT??? We haven't even gone to meet with him and he wants me to schedule my SURGERY!?!?! I don't think so! I totally understand that he is an oncologist and when there is a 90% cure rate for my cancer, he wants to do what needs to be done to get rid of it! I, on the other hand, have a really hard time believing that a hysterectomy is the ONLY path to take. At 30 years old, that seems REALLY extreme!
With that being said, I've decided to pursue MD Anderson! I have an aunt in contact with a doctor and I had my records released to me today from my current doctor. Now I just have to wait to set an appointment and get my flight! We are trying to make it to where Chase can come with me - at least for this first visit! I need him there not only for support, but also to remember everything that is said b/c when I get overwhelmed, I always forget the important stuff! I'm hopeful, but not expecting a miracle. Unfortunately, I think the blow from the first round of treatment has soured my optimism a bit! I still believe that this is all part of God's plan for me! I trust Him with all of my heart and soul and I know that he would never give me more than I can handle! I know that one way or another Chase and I will have our children together - biological or adopted!
Today has been a good day! I slept great, watched some tv and now I'm getting ready to start cleaning the house (I'm obviously off work today)!!! Chase's plane gets in around 6pm and I can't wait to see him! I've kept myself from googling anything this morning - it obviously doesn't help! I keep thinking about how blessed I am and that my life will be just as full and wonderful whether we can have our own children or not! I know there is always adoption - there are a lot of babies who need loving homes and I know that Chase and I would be fabulous parents! Anyway, I'm going to keep this short, but just wanted to let you guys know that I'm going to be ok and thank you for thinking about me!!!!
So far today has sucked! Yesterday was great - I was busy all day so I had little to no time to even think! I like those days! I woke up early this morning, made coffee, walked Preston, took a shower and (here's where I screwed up) got online! I decided to google endometrial cancer and pregnancy! Every article I found, the women had a hysterectomy! I understand that it's a 90% cure with a hysterectomy, but what about those of us who want a baby!? There HAS to be another way! And then I kept reading articles saying that it is impossible to carry a baby when you have this type of cancer! There were no reasons to support so it is going on my list of questions.
My sucky part of the day (and it's only 9:45am) came when it ALL just hit me. I SERIOUSLY may never be a mother! NEVER! Never ever ever ever!!!! That sucks. I can't even stop crying enough to blow dry my hair!!!!! I'm pathetic, I know! I eventually have to pull it together because I have to be at work by 11am!! :) Maybe if I get it all out today, I'll be fine going forward!! I just really hope I don't become one of those people who can't be happy for my friends and family when they have a baby! I pray I don't become bitter! I don't think I can, to be honest, but it worries me!
I also have to keep in mind, a hysterectomy is not the end of life! I still have my fabulous family and my supportive, beautiful and awesome husband! I'm very blessed to be surrounded by the people in my life and to have the things I have! And there is always adoption! God's plan could possibly be that we are supposed to adopt a beautiful baby and give it a loving home! That thought helps me to really get through this! Ok...I'm done! I need to dry my tears and fix my hair! LOL!!! I apologize for the rant, but that's why I created this blog! :) Thank you again for your prayers and thoughts! I'm truly blessed!
It was about 2:30 pm today whenever Dr. Numnum called my cell phone - and of course, it was the 5 minutes I was away from it. I called back immediately, alot more nervous than I thought I would be. When he began his sentence with "unfortunately...", I knew there was nothing good afterward. The test results were back and said that it was still cancer at a grade 2 (the first biopsy placed it as a grade 1-2)! He was very upset that the Megace didn't work and said it's not likely to work even if I try it for another 3 months. I'd rather not anyway. He wants to see me and Chase as soon as possible to talk things over and probably try to convince me to have a hysterectomy. My mom's doctor had told her about another treatment at MD Anderson so she is trying to get in touch with him to get the name of the treatment so I can tell my oncologist. I don't want to put my life in danger because of my selfishness to have children, but I also don't want to give in to a hysterectomy when there could be something else out there!
All I want to do at this point is cry. I don't want to start thinking about alternatives or MD Anderson or a hysterectomy. I just want to cry and get this whole frustrating feeling out of my system. It makes me sad. Each day my chance to have my very own child gets slimmer. That's sad and all I want to do is cry! I'll get over it and move on...probably by tomorrow. Well, I have to - real life doesn't stop for sadness. I love that Chase is the rational one. I'm definitely the emotional one. He thinks that we should get his reversal and have kids anyway and then when we are done, have the hysterectomy and get it over with. I love that idea!
I'm not a basket case today, though, so I'm happy about that. I know that sitting around in misery all day feeling sorry for myself won't get me anywhere. But a good cry sure does feel good! :) Like I said, I'll be fine and I'll keep praying because I know God has a bigger and better plan for us! I encourage those of you who are praying for us to continue because this is certainly not over!
Thank you so much to everyone who blew up my phone today LOL!!! I truly appreciate it and I love all of you!
I'll update as soon as we have more information!!!!
SOOOOO today was the day! For the biopsy, that is! It was, to say the least, uncomfortable! But totally worth it WHEN it comes back negative! Everyone was very positive today (the MA, NP and DR) so that made me feel a little more at ease! We talked a bit about the different outcomes. At the least we would like to see some sort of regression - to hyperplasia and at the most we want it to be in remission! He was asking if I wanted him to start setting up referrals for a urologist so that's gotta be a good sign, right? Of course, right now this is all just talk b/c we won't know which direction to go until we find out the results! He said he was able to get a really good sample and is sending it to the lab today. Results probably won't be available until Monday or Tuesday, though!
I will definitely update once we have some real news to share! Until then, pray pray pray!!!
My follow up dr. appointment is this Thursday which means my 3 months of treatment are up!! I have my moments when I'm nervous, but I just keep telling myself "it's in remission...it's in remission"! I'm not entirely sure what's happening at this appointment - either an in office biopsy or setting up the biopsy (my preference is to be knocked out...I'd rather not feel a thing)! Any and all last minute prayers are welcome! Once we see how this thing is going, we start visiting vasectomy reversal doctors! YAY! I'll just feel better knowing that all of our obstacles are out of the way so baby Dodson has a chance of becoming a reality!
I'll keep you guys updated as soon as I find something out! The power of prayer!!!!